Spring Update

Egads! It's been just over two months since I've posted here at the Taunt Vortex. As I mentioned a couple of months ago, posting here daily was getting to be more of a chore than a pleasure. Hey, it wasn't you - it was me, I swear. But I also wanted to pursue other things outside of blogging.

"And just what are those things?" you ask, because your insatiable curiosity hasn't waned in my absence, and despite excessive substance abuse.

Stand up.

No, that's not a command. That's what I've been doing with my free time. See, about a decade ago I took an improv class here in Austin. And I've always wanted to try stand up comedy.

After watching Comedy Central for years and thinking "I can write material better than half these comics. Okay, well maybe 27 to 31% of them" I finally decided to do it. So in February I started writing material specifically for stand up. On March 28th I did my first open mic night. I got a few laughs,didn't soil myself, and thought I did as well if not better than some of the other open mic'ers, and so I decided to keep writing and doing 1 or 2 open mics a week. Depending on the venue, I get 3 to 4 minutes.

Then...I entered the FPIA. No, that's not a super-secret Government agency devoted to the protection of wombat breeding grounds. It's the Funniest Person in Austin contest, held every year at the Cap City Comedy Club here in....yeah, Austin. They had over 100 people enter this year, and divided the preliminaries into 7 rounds, with 16 comics in each round. Judges then selected four from each group to advance to the semifinals.

No, I didn't advance. I had only been doing stand up for a month before my round came up on April 28th. And competing against a lot semi-professional comics, it wouldn't have been realistic to expect to advance. Obviously, making rationalizations takes a bit of the edge of the suckiness off.

That being said, I killed. I got good laughs, and even won "Joke of the Night". Yeah, that's right. Not just an awesome title, but fifty bucks! You're envious, I can tell. I'll leave it to you to watch the video and guess which joke won.

So, I'm having fun doing this - both the writing and the performing. And one more thing - comics are really nice people. At least the ones here in Austin. They rock. They've been friendlier and more supportive than I would have imagined.

Oh, and one last thing. As I alluded to earlier, my 6 1/2 minutes of glory was taped. The technical aspects of the video leave something to be desired, but it's not like I can fire my wife, right? Besides, she worked for free - sort of. I had to split the fifty bucks with her.

So I sincerely hope you enjoy this. Pass it on, even if you don't. Thanks.

Comments, critiques, and constructive criticism welcome. My intro is sort of cut off, but I start my set talking about our efforts to sell our house. Sound familiar?









As always, visit humor-blogs.com. And you can sit down now.

Goodbye, Farewell and Amen

Yeah, I so stole the title to this post. Back when I was in high school, and M*A*S*H was probably the most popular show on television, some of my close friends would call be "Hawkeye". Now, I'd like to think that it was because they thought I was clever and dedicated. But it was probably just because I got a little self-righteous at times, and smelled like I had lived in the Korean countryside for several weeks without bathing. Just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, I've not been able to keep up with writing here at the Taunt Vortex on a daily basis. Despite the economy (or despise the economy, if you prefer) I've actually been busier at work. Then there's the usual demands from the lovely wife, the children, and the ongoing burden of having a house for sale. I've also been working on another writing project, making the Taunt Vortex here seem like slacker central.

So, the Taunt Vortex is going on hiatus. There will be occasional posts, but nothing on a daily basis. "Don't you feel some responsibility to your readers?" you say, because you know that guilt often works with me. But there's only the two of you, and you both know that there are other blogs out there worthy of your attention. (See sidebar for suggestions).

It's been overcast and rainy here for the last week, but finally this afternoon we're getting some sun and clear skies. Moose came by with Tiffany's two boys (they're 3 and 4). It's been a while since we've had children that young running around the house. Pretty cool. Of course we've had adults acting 3 or 4 here, but that's very different.

It's actually fun and sort of life affirming to see little people running around that are thrilled and entertained by a slice of cheese pizza, climbing up stairs, and turning lamps on and off. Sometimes I wish I could be 4 again - if I didn't have to go through that damned adolescence again.

On that note, I bid you adieu. Let's all hope and work for a 2009 that's not too dismal, and if you see a Taunt Vortex post pop up at Humor-blogs.com, please visit again.

Again, thanks for all of your visits and comments. Well, most of the comments.

Later,

Doug at TV

Times Are Tough

Times are tough, but a couple of things brightened my life a bit this weekend.

First the Taunt Vortex was reviewed by the esteemed reviewers over at Ask and Ye Shall Receive. They actually gave me a little gold star, which is less than I what I wanted, but more than what I deserved. So, sort of a metaphor for my entire life.

Check them out if you get a chance. But if you submit your blog for review, be aware that it will be about four months before it gets reviewed. This despite the fact that on their site it says that it may take "up to 4 weeks" to get a review after submission. They get a little testy if you mention the delay, so don't. Apparently they have some sort of hyper- complex blogger software code that would take 7 programmers roughly 16 days to change the "up to 4 weeks" to "up to 4 months". But I've decided to find it charming.




The second bright spot in the weekend was my oh-so-close victory in Diesel's weekly caption contest. The last time I checked I was in second place, and I really didn't expect to win. So, a pleasant surprise when I checked the results today. Thanks to all who voted for me. Brad from Diaries of the Professor (see link on sidebar)(sorry, I was just getting tired of doing the hyper-link thing) is usually the odds-on favorite to wins these things, so I'm somewhat compelled to thank him for sitting this one out.




I haven't been posting much lately, as both of my regular readers have probably noticed. I've already used the "working on my taxes" excuse last month, so my only out is the truth. I've been very very lazy. Although I have been busy working on another writing project, but really, it's mostly the laziness.

Thanks again everyone, and have a great week.

So Not Everyone In My Subdivision Is A Racist Dick - Part II

We return with the sequel to Part I, an in-depth analysis of thoughts and attitudes about race in my suburban subdivision, carefully cobbled together from sloppily edited and somewhat out-of-context postings on my neighborhood Yahoo message board.

We begin with a new poster:

Thanks for all what you did. That person knocked at my door too. He introduced himself as some children nutrition group. I got a phone call at that time, so I excused myself.


One should always be suspicious when someone introduces himself as a "group". This was an obvious lie, as this guy was just one person. Bastard. Lucky for you that the phone call came when it did, or who knows what horrible things might have been done to you in the name of children and nutrition.

I have a friend in Houston, whose house was occupied by a homeless person for around a week when they were out of town. Nothing was broken or stolen. The homeless person camped on their living room (didn't use their beds), drunk all the beers, eat some food.

I hear that's a trend. Inner-city homeless making the 10 mile trek to the 'burbs, dodging the Escalades, shimmying around the security gates, looking to find just the right McMansion that suits their eclectic yet conservative tastes. Lucky for your friend in Houston he was only there for a week. I hear after two weeks squatter's rights prevail, and then you're homeless while some unbathed prole sucks down your lame pretentious Dogfish Head in what used to be your half-million dollar home but now features skidmarks on the white Berber.

You may remember Barry, Hell-Bound Neighbor #11 . Even though he's moved out of the subdivision, he still has the same anal-retentive issues regarding advertisements on his door:

Thanks for all this. It is very disturbing. Please keep you eyes open!

Well, at least he's staying on topic.

We moved to a smaller home and our house is currently up for sale. About a week ago XXXXX taped its ad to the center of my door. We check up on the house every few days or so; we were not happy to return to see AN ADVERTISEMENT TAPED TO THE CENTER OF OUR DOOR!

Well crap. I was hoping Barry had grown a little. No such luck. Barry, please, for the love of all that's good, just let it go.

Then we get a few postings suggesting that we make our neighborhood a gated subdivision. Yeah, that's just what I want. My house is on fire*, or one of my neighbors from Hell has finally made my aneurysm rupture, and a fireman or EMT is at the security gate entering the wrong code over and over because no one from the HOA has bothered to tell them that we changed the gate code three weeks ago. Fucking brilliant.

Finally, one of my neighbors, at the end of his post where he insightfully discusses the ineffectiveness, expense, and impracticality of a gated community, says

Lastly, I'm curious to know why it was necessary for the original poster here to mention the race of the unwanted solicitor.

See?? Not everyone in my subdivision is a racist dick.



* Note to CitiMortgage : If my house burns down, it's purely accidental. Honest.


At Humor-blogs.com, they're wondering why after thirteen posts on the neighborhood message board about this solicitor, not one person mentioned the fact that we already have a private security company that patrols the neighborhood and that perhaps they should have been called instead of 911.