Palin Biden Debates

Americans following the Presidential campaigns of candidates John McCain and Barack Obama are aware of the upcoming Vice-Presidential debates between candidates Sarah "I'll look that up for ya!" Palin and Joe "I'll try to play nice" Biden this Thursday, October 2nd.

In a stunning development, the Obama campaign today announced that Joe Biden will participate in the debate while in a medically induced coma. According to campaign spokesperson Bill Burton, Senator Biden will be treated with intravenous thiopental in order to induce the coma, as well as succinylcholine for temporary paralysis. Because of the paralysis, Biden will also need to be on a ventilator.

"The reasons are fairly obvious," elaborated spokesperson Burton. "We did some focus group testing, and the more Sarah Palin talks, the more her approval numbers dropped. Also, if Joe's in a coma, there's almost zero chance that he'll be seen as mean or condescending to Governor Palin."

No doubt that these actions taken by the Obama campaign are the result of watching recent interviews of Governor Palin with Charles "Charlie...Charlie...Charlie" Gibson and Katie Couric. While maintaining the appearance of confidence and MILFishness in those interviews, Palin was seen by many as being in over her head. She appeared to be trying to answer questions with a fund of knowledge that was extremely overdrawn. And with NSF notices from the Bank of Competency piling up in her mailbox, McCain staffers are becoming increasingly worried and frustrated.

Said one McCain staff member, who wished to remain anonymous, "If I see one more example of Sarah Palin being compared to that blond teen beauty pageant contestant from South Carolina, I'm gonna blow a gasket. Say, do you think she'd be available to be VP?"









When told that the teen beauty pageant contestant was too young to qualify for office, the McCain staffer wept openly.

In light of this savvy political move on the part of the Obama campaign, the McCain campaign has attempted to make adjustments. They have made a request of the Commission on Presidential Debates to simply have the moderator ask Governor Palin a question, followed by 3 or 4 multiple choice answers. Said one McCain staffer, "That does a couple of things. For one, Sarah won't have to say much at all. Just 'A' or 'B' or 'C', and possibly 'D'. Secondly, especially with 3 choices, it significantly increases the odds that she'll get it right."

If this format is not approved by the Commission on Debates, the McCain campaign is considering a medically-induced coma for Sarah Palin as well. "Not just for the debates, but maybe for the rest of the campaign. Or even longer if we win."


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The Worst Part of Waking Up is Eptesicus fuscus in Your Cup

Warning : if you gag easily, don't look at the picture on the left. And you may want to stop reading this entirely.

Our small town news story for today comes from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and it's sure to test even the most stalwart digestive system. So you've been warned.


A woman in Cedar Rapids noticed a bat in her house. It's not entirely clear from the story, but it appears that she reported this fact to the Iowa Department of Public Health*. According the the AP story, this particular woman "wasn't too worried about it." Now we're not quite to the gagging part of the story, but this is the "too amazing to be believable" part of the story.

I've never claimed to be an expert on women. Well, there was that one time in Sweden that I wore a white coat and sneaked into that clinic. But usually I don't claim to be an expert on women. But if there's one thing I know, women and bats don't cohabit. If a normal healthy woman knows that there's is a bat anywhere in the same dwelling, she'll be out of there as fast as - well, as fast as a woman who knows there's a bat in the same dwelling.

Story details are lacking, but I'm forced to conclude one of three things : 1). that this woman is not mentally well (schizophrenia, Alzheimer's, Scientology, what have you) or 2). the reporter didn't realize that the person in his midst was a cross-dresser or 3). this wasn't actually a person after all, but some sort of android or robot - that was programmed by a man.

For whatever reason, this woman (maybe) had a very nonchalant attitude regarding this flying disease ridden insectivore in her house. But we do know one thing. She loves her coffee, so before she tucked herself in bed (with the flying disease ridden insectivore in her house) she started her automatic coffee maker.

The next morning she got up, and because she loves her coffee, she drank a cup before she went off to get her prescriptions filled or went shopping at the "specialty" women's clothing store or had her Thetan levels tested. I'm almost certain that at some point while she was enjoying her morning coffee and newspaper, she looked up and said to herself "I wonder where that bat is?". Then she shrugged and said "oh well" before placing it deeper into the "things to be nonchalant about" file in that big filing cabinet in her brain.

Okay, now we're getting to the gagging part of the story. Later that night - hey, I just realized that the bat had been in her house for at least 24 hours now. I guess the quick response team at the Iowa Dept. of Health was overwhelmed with other indoor bat reports. Anyways, later that night, as she was cleaning her coffee filter, she found the bat. In the coffee filter.

Of course the bat was dead, having been steamed to death by the automatic coffee maker. In essence she used the bat as a coffee filter. I bet the guys at Krups never thought of that. The bat was sent to the lab, but of course its little bat brain was too cooked to reveal any meaningful results. The woman has had treatment for possible rabies. I just wonder if she still loves her coffee.

Stop by Humor-blogs. Just don't ask them to do the "bat wing", or they will.


* their motto: Gonorrhea actually seems sort of quaint to us now.

Rest in Peace, Cool Hand Luke

Paul Newman. 1925 - 2008.

Open Letter to My Daughter's College Roommate

Dear Janice*,

We've met, albeit very briefly, as you were moving into the dorm to be my daughter's roommate at college. You seemed like such a nice girl. Then again, I've heard that sociopaths are often adept at charming others around them.

As a parent, I was a little apprehensive about what kind of roommate my daughter would have. She has two older brothers, so she's survived things like being completely zipped up in a garment bag. So she's tough, and pretty smart. And I don't mean just book smart. She's got some street smarts too. In fact, in high school her nickname was Baretta**. But I digress. The point is, no matter how strong or smart you are, if you have a dreadful roommate in college, it can make the entire college experience more than unpleasant.

You know that as an entering college freshman, chances are good that you'll be assigned a dormitory roommate entirely by random chance. Generally speaking, no effort is made to match potential roommates on the basis of interests, sexual preferences or criminal backgrounds. Consequently, women as different as Rosie O'Donnell and Ann Coulter*** could be assigned together as roommates. While interesting to an outside observer or sitcom viewer, this situation would be problematic for the roommates. So, it's easy to see how a roommate from Austin could end up with a roommate from Hell.

What was our first clue? When my daughter found out that you were wearing some of her clothes. I just sort of passed it off as a "girl thing", although I thought that it would have been nice of you to ask first. So, maybe you were just a little inconsiderate, but no major red flags yet.

Then, her Ipod went missing. While being tough and smart, my daughter has been known to misplace and lose things. And it's not like you two are the only ones who are in and out of that room. Your friends and my daughter's friends have been in there, so it's theoretically possible that one of them could have pilfered the little wonderbox from Apple. And I'm no physicist, but it's also theoretically possible that an atom in my fingernail could have an electron spinning in Cleveland, Ohio. Theoretically. So, no blame was assigned. But like D.B. Cooper, the little Ipod was never found.

Then my daughter bought a new ring for her navel piercing. She left it on her desk in the room, and just as if David Blaine had paid a visit, it disappeared. Okayyy. So maybe she's a little stressed with college, and is forgetting where she puts things. But Janice**** , here is where it gets interesting. It seems that many of you crazy college kids use this "internets" thing a lot, putting photos and personal information about yourself on sites like "FaceSpace" and "MyBook". My daughter paid a visit to your site on the web, and there was a photo of you with a navel ring just like the one my daughter had bought. And in another photo one of your friends was wearing my daughter's sunglasses.

Of course when she confronted you with this you denied that the navel ring was my daughter's. And of course, your friend just happened to have sunglasses that looked just like hers too. Wow. That's a lot of coincidences. Now an attorney might call all of that "circumstantial evidence", but I'll just call it a coincidence. Then you said "I suppose you're going to blame me for taking your Ipod, too!" Now methinks thou doth protest too much.

Then there's your overall behavior at college since you started just one short month ago. Apparently you weren't allowed to party in high school, so you're desperately overcompensating. Going out, even during the week, drinking (and the inevitable getting drunk), coming home in the early morning hours - and not being quiet about it either. Not to mention those nights when you don't actually come home at all. Hey, that's cool, you're an adult. You're good at making adult type decisions, right? Apparently you've missed a lot of classes too. Damn, girl, that academic part of college sure does interfere with the partying! From my understanding, you're about one class absence away from getting tossed out of school. That would be....unfortunate. Your parents must be so proud.

There's always a final straw in this sort of story, isn't there? You're probably not aware of it just yet, but we are. Now I'm paraphrasing, but when you put the statement "I'm going to kick the ass of that girl who blamed me for taking her stuff" on your website, you went from being a bad roommate and suspected thief to a confirmed thug.

Fortunately for my children, by the time they graduated from high school they learned that you don't put slanderous or threatening statements about someone on the web. Apparently you didn't learn that, and sadly for you, you're now (chronologically) an adult who must deal with the consequences. Threatening to assault someone is a crime, and you had just enough temerity and stupidity to put it on the web. The "world wide" web. Get a clue. My daughter had the foresight to print off a copy of the page that had your threatening statement. The dorm RA knows about it, and now the campus police do too. In fact, I think the campus police have "friended" you on Facebook.

I know that you're out of town for a few days due to a true family emergency. My wife is driving to the college today to get my daughter moved to another dorm. Good for you, right?! Well, enjoy the moment when you return, because you may soon find yourself thrown out of school for threatening another student. Or for failing grades. Or for not going to class. We're going to miss you, Janice.

Many of us have been to college, and it's almost taken for granted that you'll end up with a roommate who's annoying or obnoxious. In my dorm we had community showers, and my roommate had this odd habit of slapping his own buttocks while he showered. So he had the gift of being able to be annoying and obnoxious, not just to his roommate (me), but to the entire dorm and campus too. But when a roommate crosses the line from jerk to criminal thug, it falls out of the range of acceptable college roommate behavior, and more into the realm of tolerable women's prison behavior.

Throughout all of this, my daughter has met good new friends, has been studying and keeping up her grades - As and Bs so far. We really are very proud of her. Lastly, Janice, if by some Divine intervention you manage not to get thrown out of school, you and/or your friends best not harass or threaten my daughter further. You see, my wife knows these roller derby girls....

* Not her real name.

** Not really.

*** For those who adhere to the school of thought that Ann Coulter is a woman

**** Still not her real name.

If you've ever had a sucky college roommate, drop by Humor-blogs and vote for this post. Feel free to share any ass-crap roommate stories you may have in the "comments" section here too. Thanks, TV.

WaMu Fails : Wham - O to Acquire Assets

In yet another stunning turn of economic events in the U.S., Washington Mutual Inc (WaMu), one of the nation's largest banks, has collapsed. Bank officials cite losses originating from risky subprime mortgage loans, as well as "handing out too much free candy to kids coming through bank drive-thrus" as major reasons for the failure.

Because WaMu had severe liquidity pressures, the bank was seized by the FDIC. The FDIC turned around and sold WaMu's banking assets, valued at 1.9 billion, to the Wham-O Toy Corporation of Emeryville, CA.

"Admittedly, it does seem irregular for a toy company acquire the assets of a major bank," said FDIC Chairman Sheila Bair, "but as a solid private company with consistent sales that has made few acquisitions in the past, they had a buttload of cash available for this move."

President and CEO of Wham-O, Mojde Esfandiari, sees nothing unusual about the move. "The names sound sort of alike, you know WaMu, Wham-O. So we've got that going for us. Plus, I always loved those WaMu commercials with the stuffy old stereotypical herd of bankers. Always made me laugh! Ha ha ha! So, I say to our board, 'Let's go buy WaMu quickly!'"

Analysts, while cautious, point to some key positive points regarding the bank acquisition by Wham-O. One banking industry analyst currently* with Goldman Sachs, Mark Aufthebiest, suggests that the Wham-O line product line of toys is the perfect metaphor for our economic times :

"First of all, you've got the Frisbee. This is a toy, a solid object, that floats through the air without care or worry, supported only by air. But next thing you know, it's crashing into the ground, or your little brother's head, or it ends up on the roof where no one can get to it - for years."

"Then there's the Slip 'N' Slide. The name says it all. Your bank account, your pension, your home equity - it all just slip slides away, just as fast as that little kid hurling his body upon that wet yellow mat in the yard. And for the very unfortunate, there's a broken leg or quadriplegia to look forward to."

"My favorite is the Hula Hoop. What better symbol is there for the American worker in today's economic and financial environment? You're working pretty hard, getting that hoop to go around and around. It looks like you're doing something, but in reality you're just standing in the same spot, getting nowhere. Eventually, you get too tired or too bored, and the brightly-colored hoop comes crashing to the ground. Then in the long run, it gets old and cracked, and those little beads fall out."

Mr. Aufthebiest could not comment further, as he had to get back to packing up his desk.

CEO Esfandiari is confident that the acquisition will work. "We've built the Wham-O brand on innovation, quality, and trust. We can bring these same assets to the banking industry." In a gesture of goodwill, Wham-O has offered former Washington Mutual shareholders (who currently hold worthless stock) one free Hacky-Sack for every 100 shares of WaMu.

* well, until the end of the week, actually

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Michelin Man Interview : He's Got Gripes

A few weeks ago I was standing in line* at the local movie theater to get tickets for "What Happens in Vegas", when I noticed the Michelin Man standing in line behind me. Other than doing the actual Michelin ads, Michelin Man keeps a pretty low profile. I've always been curious about this enigmatic character, so I took the opportunity to ask him if he'd be available for a Taunt Vortex interview. It took us a while to coordinate our schedules, but we finally sat down to talk over lunch at IHOP.

We're all aware of the Michelin Man that we see on TV. The happy-go-lucky rolled white guy, who just enjoys playing with his dog, going for a drive, or hanging out at the races, be it NASCAR or Formula One. I wanted to learn more about him, and I think the interview will give you some insight into Michelin Man.

Hey, I want to thank you for letting me interview you Mich. Can I call you Mich?

Sure.

Well, I've been a big fan for a long time, even though I can't really say that I know a lot about you.

Thanks Doug, I appreciate that. I do try to stay out of the public eye for the most part. By the way, I've been a big fan of the Taunt Vortex since I started reading it in 2002.

I can understand celebrities wanting to keep their private lives private. So why the interview now, Mich?

You know, my image is mostly that of a carefree kind of guy. And I'm ok with that. But lately there's been something building up, something that's really bugging me.

We're listening.

It has to do with image confusion. You know Pop 'N' Fresh?

The Pillsbury Dough Boy? Sure.

Well, it seems that a lot of people are confusing the two of us. I mean, I can sort of understand it. There are some superficial similarities. But there are a lot of differences too, and honestly it's just damned irritating when people can't tell the difference between us.

At the risk of asking a 'Duh' question, how are you two similar?

Well, we're both white men. And by white, of course, I don't mean Caucasian. No, we're both really white, like flour or liquid paper. I suppose that's where some of the confusion originates. We both also have these dark monochromatic black eyes. Sort of like Courtney Love. But his are round, mine are more oval. The only other similarity I can think of is that we both have the complete absence of body hair.

The absence of body hair - is that natural or something you have to work at?

I'd rather not say.

Ok, fair enough. It's just me speculating here, but with his voice and all, I'm guessing Pop 'N' Fresh hasn't even hit puberty yet, so that could explain his total body baldness.

May be. But, jeez, doesn't his whiny little voice get on your nerves? It sounds like Katie Couric huffing helium.

Well, that naturally brings us to the differences between you two.

Where do I start? Ok, for one, our body types. Pop 'N' Fresh is fat. Really, he is, I mean just look at him. He's like a little pale bald Elton John. His BMI must be like 40. Now I've got these "rolls", but if you really look, I'm actually pretty buff. I work out, I run - I can run a 5K in under 23 minutes.

Not bad. What else distinguishes you from the Dough Boy?

I don't want to come off as some sort of egotistical Hollywood type, but there's an ocean between us when it comes to talent. He's basically a two-dimensional hack. Did you know I spent two years at Juilliard? I can act rings around him. I'm not given a lot to work with, but I've got some range. Have you seen the latest ads? The ones where I'm giving the tires their final inspection and send-off? I had to dig down deep there, and it shows on the screen. Dough Boy can't touch that.

I can understand why you're not flattered with the confusion between the two of you.

Exactly. What makes it even harder to fathom is that we're really so different at our core. I'm larger than the average American male, I drive an SUV, I have a dog, and I promote a masculine product - tires! Then you've got Pop 'N' Fresh, who's about 5 inches tall, wears a little scarf and hangs around the kitchen making cookies and turnovers. He's not exactly Chuck Norris, know what I mean? On top of that, he seems to derive some kind of perverse pleasure from getting poked in the gut. And that little giggle makes me what to take a rolling pin to him.

Not a pretty picture. I'm sensing some hostility there.

Therapy works - but it takes time, you know?

I sure do. What else you got?

I guess because our names are similar, I get a lot of misdirected mail meant for Michelle Malkin. Now there's a nutjob with hostility issues. Did you know she subscribes to the Spandex & Spanking fetish magazine?

I had no idea. Well, our time is running short, so just one more quick question. Pet peeve?

Tire puns. By the way, I noticed when you drove up that you've got Goodyear tires on that Honda.

It's a rental.

Liar.

We hope you enjoyed the Michelin Man interview. Who knows, we may run into another celebrity, and will be able to offer our readers more of these cutting edge interviews. If we don't it's pretty easy to make this stuff up without actually interviewing anyone. We'll see.

We never tire of the great humor blogs over at Humor-blogs Check it out.

* This is a blatant lie. No was has ever had to wait in line to see an Ashton Kutcher flick.

Home for Sale : An Open Apology to Our Neighbors

An open letter to all of my neighbors in my neighborhood :

As you are well aware, we currently have our home for sale on the real estate market. I know, I know - now is not the best time to be selling a home. We're wacky like that. We still have some Enron shares too, if you're interested.

You know we've had our home on the market for a little more than a month now, but I just realized yesterday that I have been so inconsiderate of my neighbors' needs and desires. So, my wife and I would like to issue a formal "I'm sorry" to each and every one of you.

What caused my epiphany? Well, yesterday as I was walking to the mailbox, I noticed one of you taking a brochure out of the brochure box in our front yard. Our realtor recommended that we put one of these in the yard, along with the traditional "for sale" sign. The brochures have a lot of information that you need: asking price, square footage, and even photos of the interior, and exterior parts of the house that you can't see from the street. You had your little three year old daughter with you too, and it was sooo cute, because she was trying to get some brochures out of the box too! Of course, you told her not to, because you only "needed" one. I was charmed by the fact that I thought she might even break the brochure box! They're so cute at that age.

It was at that point that I realized, damn, my poor neighbors have to go to the trouble to walk or drive to our house, then trudge to the brochure box, then reach in and take one or two or however many they need.

I understand just how careless and inconsiderate we've been. We should have printed up 250 brochures and delivered them to each and every house in our neighborhood. We're so thoughtless, and again, we apologize.

Actually, we could probably arrange for more than one or two brochures per household. Apparently our realtor pays for these. When the box is empty, we just email her and she brings more. Since they don't cost us anything, you can have as many as you like. If you need several hundred to make mulch for your yard, or maybe to wallpaper a room, just let us know.

Lastly, if there's anything else you need, just call or email. For example, if you'd like a copy of our most recent tax return, or a copy of our children's high school transcripts, let us know. That's not something we'd want to leave out in the yard for just anyone to pick up, but for our neighbors it's cool. For those of you who are more "visual" learners, maybe we could set up some webcams for you. That way, you could easily watch us having dinner. You could also watch my wife and I "go at it", but we usually prefer lights off. I hope that isn't a problem.

I hope you all will accept our apology. After writing this and thinking about all of you, it makes us sort of melancholy. If and when we sell our home, we sure are going to miss you all.

Sincerely,

the TauntVortex household.

If you're in the market for grins, pick up a brochure at Humor-blogs.

Man Sues Sega for Bad Date

Puyallup, WA - Randy Jones, a local 22 year old part-time tow truck driver and recognized expert on "Billy Jack" movies, has filed suit against the Sega Corporation of Tokyo, Japan, over a bad date.

The suit centers around the "Love Tester" novelty arcade game produced by Sega in the 1960's. In June of this year, Mr. Jones took Tiffanee Glass on a single date, which according to court documents did not live up to Mr. Jones' expectations.

"I met Tiffanee at my Tae Kwon Do tourney," Mr. Jones explained. "She was pretty hot and she was real impressed with my green belt, so I decided to ask her out. We ended up going out on a Friday night. I really wanted to impress her, so I took her to the Pasta Barn."

The restaurant is well-regarded among locals, and is best known for the Pasta Barn "Endless Spigot 'O' Spaghetti". But according to Jones, the trouble started as they were waiting for a table. "We had to wait a long time," said Jones, "and I'm not so great at small talk. But then I saw the Sega Love Tester in the waiting area, and thought that Tiffanee and me should check it out."

According to Jones, he went first, depositing $0.50 and placing his hand on the glass. After getting his reading, he gave Tiffanee $0.50 and encouraged her to try it too.

"She hesitated at first," explained Jones, "because my score was 'sexy', which is like third highest from the top, and I think that intimidated Tiffanee a little." When Ms. Glass' Love Tester result was 'uncontrollable', the highest score possible, Mr. Jones said it changed his entire perspective of the date.

"I had planned on maybe a movie after dinner, but when the Love Tester said she was uncontrollable, I figured we'd just go back to her place after dinner for pretty much a sure thing," said Jones. After the rushed meal, Mr. Jones drove Tiffanee home.

Subsequent details are sketchy, but according to Ms. Glass' aunt, Sandra Potter, Tiffanee was quite able to control herself, much to the disappointment of Mr. Jones. Said Mrs. Potter, "Randy found out that 'no means no', and Tiffanee found out that a green belt don't mean crap." Mr. Jones was treated and released from the Puyallup General emergency department.

Mr. Jones lays blame for his disappointing evening squarely at the feet of the Sega Corporation. "The Love Tester is crap," states Jones, "and we're gonna make Sega pay." Mr. Jones went on to say that the lawsuit wasn't really about the money. "I just don't want another really horny guy to go through what I had to go through," Jones elaborated.

Hajime Satomi, CEO of Sega Corporation, said of the pending case : "After extensive review of the case, we're forced to conclude that Mr. Randy Jones is a fucking idiot. Bring it on."

I really like Humor-blogs, but then again, according to the Love Tester I'm "easily excited".

Washateria Rules

I hope the title isn't misleading. It's supposed to be "Washateria Rules", as in laws, or a body of regulations. Not "Washateria Rules", as in something that's extremely cool or rocks you to your core. I would think that most people would have difficulty imagining how a washateria would "rule", even thought that person in the photo seems to be excited at the mere prospect of arriving at the washateria. But thanks for allowing me to clarify anyway.

Apparently there are two accepted spellings of "washateria". How do I know this? Well, I typed "washateria" into Google search, and it didn't say Did you mean _____? I love being corrected by an algorithm. Washateria still didn't look right to me, so then I typed "washeteria" into Google search, and still no Did you mean _____? So if Google is cool with either spelling, then I am too. I'm flexible like that.

Now, we here at the Taunt Vortex don't want to seem all uppity, like we're some sort of elitist Presidential nominee or something, but the wife and I usually don't use washaterias. We have a nice Sears washer and dryer in our laundry room. But since the warranty ran out about three months ago, the dryer was obligated to go out about 2.988 months ago. We've discovered that there are actually some advantages to using the washateria. We take take all of our clothes, load up 4 or 5 washers, and when they're done we load up 3 or 4 dryers, and we can get a weeks' worth of clothes done in less than a couple of hours. Or even 2 or 3 weeks' worth, if we're willing to wear the same underwear two or three times. So there's been some inertia about getting the dryer repaired.

We don't really have written rules posted in our laundry room at home, but they have written rules posted on the wall of the washateria:

Check machine before use.

If those people didn't want me putting my dirty clothes on top of their clean clothes, they should have taken them out of the washer.

Do not run or ride on laundry carts.

Why do they put wheels on them if they don't want us to ride them?

Do no sit on table or washing machines.

I don't have a problem with this one, but some of the ladies seem to like sitting on the washer. The spin cycle seems to be especially popular.

Do not overload machines.

I've found that it's ok to "overload" the washer, but you have to sit on it to keep the lid closed.

No animals or alcohol.

The wording is curious. It doesn't say "no pets". It says "no animals". Like if some stray raccoon wandered into the washateria, I'd probably start feeling and guilty and responsible for it. As or alcohol, I think that we can all agree that drunk drying is dangerous.

Shoes, shirts, and pants must be worn.

I promise, I'll get my pants back on just as soon as they're dry.

So those are the written rules. After visiting the washateria for a few weeks now, I've found that there are some unwritten rules too. For example, it's best if you sit down and read something, or just stare at the dryer as the clothes tumble 'round and 'round. Otherwise your eyes will wander, and before you know it you've been staring at some coed's lingerie for 5 minutes, earning you the label of "washateria perv".

Visit Humor-blogs. It will leave you with a fresh, clean feeling.

Round Rock Considers Major Plan : A Sign

Let me familiarize you with the city of Round Rock, Texas. Don't worry, it won't take long. It's located on I-35 just north of Austin, is the home of Dell Computers*, has a population of about 86,000, and on the Pomona Institute of Sociology Suburbia Rating Scale (PISSRS) it rates a 98.78 out of 100.

While many towns and major cities are grappling with issues such as "smart growth", transportation, housing, public services and crime, city officials in Round Rock are cursed with an almost unimaginable burden: absence of a city sign.

Apparently city officials are concerned about the city's image. Forgive me, but if you'll re-read the first paragraph, you will understand that there's just no "there, there". Nonetheless, they have taken on the daunting task of "creating" an image for the city of Round Rock with...(dramatic pause).... a sign !


According to the September 19th issue of the Austin American Statesman :

The City Council envisions a sign with a tower, a stone backdrop, light columns and stand-alone letters.

I'm not quite sure what "stand alone letters" are, but it sure does sound impressive!

"This is a way of creating an identity for the city, and I think it needs to send a message that not only are you coming into Round Rock , but you're entering somewhere special," said Mayor Alan McGraw who has been one of the leading proponents of the sign for about seven years.

Yes, Paris has the Eiffel Tower, London has Trafalgar Square, San Francisco boasts the Golden Gate Bridge, and Round Rock will have its Interstate highway sign!

"This is a civic endeavor, and the city needs to be a part of it."

Yes, yes, we agree. The city needs to be involved with the sign that is about the city. Brilliant.

"We need something that will get people's attention that they're coming into Round Rock, but I'm concerned about lighting being a distraction," Council member Rufus Honeycutt said.

Isn't is always the case that a visionary plan will have its nay-sayers? Sad, really.

"The most important thing is for it to be timeless," Bargainer said. "This needs to be timeless, bold and elegant for the past, present, and future."

Damn, that's ambitious! Right now I'm swelling with pride that only my fellow Texans can truly understand. Just think, in a thousand years, tourists will still marvel at the Pyramids at Giza, the Great Wall of China, and the Round Rock Sign.

I'm all for the sign, but I just hope that they've thought this all the way through. With the increased tourism and traffic, lanes will need to be added to I-35. Austin will probably need to build another airport north of the city to accommodate Round Rock. New hotels will have to be built. We haven't even touched on Homeland Security issues. Certainly a Sign of this importance will require a build-up of air and ground forces in the immediate area.







Lastly, knowing how my fellow Texans drive, they shouldn't put the Round Rock Sign too close to the Interstate.

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* coming soon....customer service!

Casting the Remake of Deliverance

I'm stoked. Apparently word of my wicked skillz has made it to the West coast. My agent called to inform me that an unnamed Hollywood producer is doing a remake of Deliverance, and he has given me carte blanche to do the casting. Sure, it sounds impressive at first, but it's really just a crappy credit card that's only good at 12 different restaurants.

If you're not familiar with the original Deliverance, it was a drama/adventure flick that came out in 1972. It's known mostly for scaring white middle class people out of camping and taking canoe trips for about 25 years. Burt Reynolds acts in it, too. No, really, he actually acts. Don't believe me? Rent the movie. No one is sure what happened after this, or before this, for that matter. But in Deliverance Burt Reynolds rocks.

The original cast consisted of (from L to R) Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, Burt, and Jon Voight. These guys are still around, but watching them get in and out of a canoe would just be awkward and sad. I've come up with some casting ideas, but I thought perhaps my loyal Taunt Vortex reader(s) could help me narrow it down. Feel free to vote for your favorite by way of the comment link.

A. Ed (Jon Voight)

Willem Dafoe : Has been called "a younger Jon Voight" by the kid behind the counter at Blockbuster. His age works against him some. And what the hell kind of name is "Willem"?

Owen Wilson : sort of a lightweight, but I've had a man-crush on him since "Wedding Crashers"

Mike Dirnt : bass player for Green Day. Not an actor per se. But putting him on the list gave me an excuse to use the term "per se".

B. Lewis (Burt Reynolds)

George Clooney : I think he'd be a natural for the part. But really, aren't we all getting advanced "Clooney fatigue?

Ron Jeremy : You can't leave a superb character actor off of a list like this. Downside - might make the other actors feel inadequate.

Vin Diesel : pretty cool name, but really just a "pity" pick.

C. Bobby (Ned Beatty)

This is a very difficult role to fill. You need an actor with the physical heft of Ned Beatty, but also one who can play the role of a suburbanite being told to "squeal like a pig" with subtlety and sensitivity.

Rush Limbaugh

Karl Rove

Rosie O'Donnell

Lou Dobbs

D. Drew (Ronny Cox)

Drew is the "nice guy who dies" in the movie, so he's not remembered as well as the other characters. So, a low-impact actor is ok for this part. Guitar playing skills would be a plus.

Ben Affleck: unless he's busy f'ing Matt Damon

Kevin Costner : I hear he works for pretty cheap these days. The soul patch will have to go though.

John Edwards : Pluses - photogenic, great Southern accent. Minuses - spends too much time in makeup.

That's the four main characters, but I almost forgot about the creepy albino inbred banjo playing kid.

I've narrowed it down to three choices here :

Lance Armstrong : Received critical acclaim for "Dodge Ball". Plus, he already dates "actresses".

Lyle Lovett : Can play the guitar, was married to an actress. Might be confused for Kramer.

Lindsey Lohan : I'm leaning toward Lindsey. I hear she's easy to work with.

Those are my casting selections for Deliverance: The Remake. Feel free to vote for your preferences in the "comments" link below. Look for the movie release in the Fall of 2012.

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Just Another Reason Why I Have Issues With Authority Figures

Perhaps you're like me, and you have issues with authority figures. Through a strategy of avoidance and timely self-control, so far I've managed to avoid incarceration - knock on wood!

Sometimes when there's nothing good on tv and the internets are down, or when I'm on a stretcher in the emergency room, I'm forced to introspect. I've managed to come up with several good reasons for my authority figure issues. But hey, you're not my therapist, so I'll just go over one of those reasons.

When I was about seven years old, I had a friend named Stuart, who was maybe 3 or 4 years older and lived just down the street from me. I thought Stuart was pretty cool, but looking back I realize that he was a bit of what we would now call a "dork". He read a lot, and would do "experiments" like enclosing a mouse inside of a model rocket before launching it into the lower reaches of the atmosphere. Tragic results. The chutes failed to open. But the mouse had a hero's funeral.

Anyways, it was around this time that Stuart managed to hurt his ankle. I don't remember how, and I don't even remember if it was broken or just a severe sprain. The net result was that he was forced to be on crutches. Being about 7 years old, my first thought was "lucky!" But one of the downsides to being on crutches and being in the fifth grade was that it was virtually impossible to carry all of your books. Keep in mind that this was before backpacks were invented. You had to carry all of your books by hand, or wrap a belt around them and carry them a la "Beaver Cleaver".

So one morning Stuart asked me to help him by carrying his books to class. "Cool," I thought, anticipating the minor thrill of getting to visit the 5th grade wing. We slowly made our way to his class, and as we got to the door, we were stopped by Mr. Brady. Mr. Brady was a teacher, thin, probably in his 30s, with dark hair and a receding hairline, and he looked sort of ticked off. But I think he always had that look about him

"What are you doing?," he queried, leaving me feeling like a drug mule going through customs. Even at seven, I thought it should have been obvious, but I explained to Mr. Brady that Stuart here (on the crutches) required some help getting his books to class. Duh. No, I didn't actually say "duh". At age seven I was still fairly respectful to adults. But then Mr. Brady threw me for a loop. He said "You know if you go in there (the 5th grade classroom) then you're not allowed to come back out."

"What the hell?" I thought, since the F-bomb didn't make it into my vocabulary until 4th or 5th grade. I wasn't sure if he was kidding, but he looked pretty serious about the matter. My mind raced. Had I missed some announcement that second graders weren't allowed in fifth grade classrooms? Was I sick the day they passed out the elementary school policy manual? And I didn't really see too many options. Drop Stuart's books in the hallway? I was pretty sure that would have pissed Mr. Brady off even more. I muttered something like "Ok", hoping that this was just a lame joke, and went into the classroom with Stuart.

I dropped off Stuart's books, which took a while since he had to hobble to the back of the room on his crutches. When I finally walked out of the classroom, Mr. Brady was in the hallway, apparently waiting just to sadistically harass a seven year old student.

"Didn't I tell you that if you went in there you couldn't come back out?" I was a scared and confused second grader. Was I really supposed to spend the rest of my days in that classroom? Had I really violated the sanctity of the hallowed 5th grade classroom, so that I was subsequently cursed to walk the earth in darkness? Up until that time, I thought it was the Church's job to instill fear and shame into children, not the Westcreek Elementary School.

I was pretty sure that I would at least be sent to the Principal's office for some good ol' fashioned corporal punishment. I just stood there, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say. Mr. Brady then said something like "Don't ever let anything like this happen again!" and sent me on my way.

I never had anymore run-ins with Mr. Brady. Fortunately this experience didn't sour me from being able to enjoy watching The Brady Bunch which premiered shortly thereafter. As for Mr. Brady, I figured he either just had a sick sense of humor, or was a grade A asshole. I was to learn later that he had a bad reputation at the school, and rumor has it that he was eventually arrested for beating his wife. So, yeah, I was pretty spot-on with my seven year old "asshole" assessment of Mr. Brady.

So that's one explanation of my disdain for authority figures. After my encounter with Mr. Brady, I concluded that some authority figures are worthless assholes. As I've grown older, my thinking has evolved, and now fluctuates between "many authority figures are worthless assholes" and "most authority figures are worthless assholes." But sometimes, I still like to watch The Brady Bunch.

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Corporate Dad Speak at Taco Bell

I like to think that I have a rich and rewarding life. Upon reflection, that may not be entirely true, because the other day I found myself pulling into a Taco Bell for lunch - by myself. Anyways, as I was getting out of the car I noticed another family piling out of their convertible BMW. There was mom and dad (both a little younger than I am) and their three little girls, the oldest being about 5. Of course I practically sprinted inside, because if you get caught behind a family like that in line, it sort of takes the "fast" out of fast food.

So I ordered, got my food, and sat down to eat my tortilla/meat/bean/cheese/sour cream product. As I was sitting there, one of the little girls (maybe 4 or 5 years old) walks up to her dad and asked him something. I couldn't understand exactly what she said, but her father's response caught my attention. He told her that she needed to "be proactive and positive".

It was then that I noticed his MBA haircut, and if not a "trophy" wife, he had at least a "ribbon" wife. Those along with the BMW and the corporate-speak made it clear to me that I was in the presence of Corporate Dad.

It made me wonder how Corporate Dad manages to incorporate corporate speak when talking to his daughter on a daily basis. Does he try to empower her by giving her responsibilities? Does he encourage her to be a team player when it comes to household chores? Does he tell her that taking ballet and French horn will have a synergistic effect on her development?

Does Corporate Dad get upset when there's a disconnect between the hours she spends practicing soccer and her actual game performance? Does he adequately incent his daughter, so that the report card metrics are acceptable? Does he wonder what her role is in the family and what she brings to the table ? Instead of family vacations, do they all go on a team-building exercise ?

I just wonder what will happen when his daughter is an adolescent. Will her attitude and behavior experience a paradigm shift, forcing Corporate Dad to think outside of the box in order to deal with her rebelliousness ? When teen issues such as drugs, dating and sexuality become action items, will he become frustrated when his daughter won't accept ownership for her problems? If he's not able to deal with these looming issues, perhaps Corporate Dad will be proactive, and put her up for adoption.

I'm sure Corporate Dad has all the intentions of being a great father. He just needs to keep in mind that it's his child, not an employee. He should refrain from Corporate Speak around the children, or one day he may find that he's been outsourced.

Oh, and if you happen to dine at Taco Bell (Corporate Speak catch phrase : Think Outside of the Bun), then I highly recommend the thingy that has meat & cheese & beans on a tortilla.


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Scottrade Chopper Shot Down Over Knoxville

Knoxville, TN - in a breaking news story, local law enforcement officials in Knoxville have confirmed that the Scottrade helicopter has been shot down near the downtown area.



According to witnesses, the helicopter was flying low, possibly readying to land near some unsuspecting investor, when it was struck by something that appeared to be shot from ground level. The damaged copter lost altitude, eventually crashing into the Tennessee river.


The Scottrade helicopter has gained attention in recent months through the "Customer First" ad campaign launched by the Scottrade online investment firm. The Scottrade branded helicopter is piloted by CEO Rodger Riney, who seeks out Scottrade customers to ask them first-hand why they like Scottrade. The helicopter was outfitted with cutting edge surveillance technology, which is able to identify stock market traders from several hundred feet in the air. It also featured state-of-the-art audio equipment, which could tape conversation level voices on the ground from hundreds of feet in the air, even over the noise of helicopter rotors.





Initially, CEO Riney would actually land the Scottrade helicopter on the ground to interview customers, but after several damaged homes, downed power lines and even one embarrassing decapitation, the decision was made to switch to the "interview from the air" approach.



Investigators have interviewed eyewitness Peter Lynch, who was coming out of the Downtown Bar & Grill when he saw the helicopter get hit. "As I was comin' across the parking lot I heard the chopper and I looked up. That's when I saw something fly up and hit the back of the fuselage. It had to be a RPG. Yeah, had to be, 'cause I've spent some time training with this militia outside of Cookeville, and I know what a RPG looks like."


Investigators were quick to speculate on possible reasons for the downing of the helicopter, citing a "rush to judgment" as the quickest way to get the paperwork off of their desks. "We've been 'Googling', " said head investigator Jim Rockford, "and because of all the stock market turmoil from the weak dollar, the subprime mortgage crisis, and recent losses at major investment banks, we figure it's probably just a ticked off stock trader who lost the rent money to Wall Street." After additional Googling, Rockford added that additional suspects that could have fired a rocket propelled grenade at the Scottrade helicopter include "nervous people who hate noise" and "Rambo".


Fearful that this attack could represent an industry-wide assault, executives from the TD Ameritrade online trading brokerage have announced that they have arranged to place spokesman Sam Waterston and the "trading baby" in protective custody.



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Art Appreciation and Past Lives Phenomena

I'm a native Texan, currently living in Austin*, but I never miss the opportunity to brag about my Dutch heritage. The Dutch are really pretty cool, if you can get over the fact that the name of the people (the "Dutch") in no way resembles the name (or names, actually) of the country - Holland, and/or the Netherlands.



For such a small country, the Dutch have had more than their share of renowned scientists, Formula One race car drivers, fine artists, and liberal drug laws. The Dutch are sort of like the Germans, but without all of that pent-up hostility. Did I mention artists? There's Van Gogh, Vermeer, and Rembrandt, for starters.



I was reminded of all of this as my wife and I were visiting the Hermitage museum in St. Petersburg, and happened upon a painting by Dutch genre artist Jan Steen. Seriously, who am I kidding? Before I "Googled" it I thought the Hermitage was some place they housed reclusive old guys. But I did recently see a photo of a Jan Steen painting called The Idlers :






I'm not going to speculate what "the Idlers" are up to. I'm not an expert in fine art, ok? But check out the guy with the pipe. Does he look familiar to you? Ok, let's try a close up :





Still not ring a bell? Ok, let's try this...








Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's Sam Kinison. To our knowledge, Kinison never mentioned any belief in "past lives", but to see him in that Steen painting is really all the confirmation I'll ever need. And Kinison may not have been aware of any past lives during his most recent stint with mortality as a stand up comedian, but judging from the painting The Idlers it looks like he probably would have enjoyed 17th century Holland.


If you're into humor as art, there are some masters at Humor-blogs .




* hey, we're all real sorry about sending that Bush guy to Washington.

Ike Rockets to #4 On Work Excuse List

Washington, D.C. - The U.S. Department of Labor announced this morning that Hurricane Ike has jumped to the number four position on the list of reasons why employees miss work.

"This excuse was basically off of the radar last week," said Department of Labor spokesperson Skip DeBeitz. "It's still lagging behind illness, car troubles and family member deaths, but we expect it to climb, possibly to the number two spot." Taunt Vortex has included the current top ten list below.

The Hurricane Ike excuse actually covers a large range of potential excuses, including inability to get to work because of a flooded out car, employee participation in rescue and recovery efforts, and employee needing time to house and care for dislocated family members. "You'd expect workers who live in the immediate hurricane impact area to use this excuse," elaborated DeBeitz, "but we're getting reports of this excuse being used in states as removed as Montana and Vermont."

Another result of Hurricane Ike making the list is that the excuse "Upset over American Idol results" has been pushed out of the top ten for the first time in over 5 years.

U.S. Dept. of Labor Missing Work Excuses

1. illness

2. car trouble

3. death of close family member/friend

4. Hurricane Ike

5. "womanly concerns"

6. still drunk/hungover from previous day

7. jury duty

8. thought it was a holiday

9. dental problems

10. flare up of agoraphobia

If you're taking a "personal day" off today, make it worthwhile and visit Humor-blogs.

Gas Conservation Tips

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that the woman in the photo looks a bit apprehensive because of the high cost of gasoline. In this case, she's actually apprehensive because she just remembered that her car takes Diesel (that would be the green pump).

As for the rest of us, we've all been pretty disturbed by the high prices at the pump, which are likely to spike higher in the immediate future due to 1). refineries being offline due to hurricane damage and 2). the apparent never-ending supply of greedy bastards.

We here at the Taunt Vortex have been appalled by the monthly fuel budget eroding into the monthly ice cold beverage and thick crust pizza budget. In an earlier post, we attempted to remedy the "supply" side of the gas economic equation by reminding readers of that middle school science experiment where you could use a tube (like a garden hose) to move a fluid from one container to a lower container. A cease and desist order from the Attorney General sort of put the kibosh on that.

So, we decided to consider the demand side of the equation, which takes a little more thought and effort, but seems to have fewer legal ramifications. So, let's not waste any more time.

Gasoline Conservation Tips

1). Coasting - if it's hilly where you live, take advantage of

those downhill portions of your drive. Just slip it into neutral, and

take your foot off of the accelerator. Supposedly this is not legal in some places, but unless there's a cop in the passenger seat (which is easy to confirm) we don't see much risk here.

2). Lighten Up - No, not you. Your car. Geez, you're so self conscious about your weight. But more weight equals more fuel to move that car, so take a good hard look. At your car. Body panels, mirrors, seats, 8-track players, turn signals, even doors are expendable. Just keep in mind that once a year you may have to temporarily replace some components to pass inspection.

3). Urban Hitchhiking - this is a little different from your "I'm a homeless unbathed serial-killing drifter" type hitchhiker. For urban hitchhiking, you want to clean up a little bit, perhaps wear a suit or at least a tie. For the ladies - well, let's be honest. You can get a ride even if you're dressed like the homeless unbathed serial killing drifter - if you just show a little leg. Along with appropriate garb, the key to urban hitchhiking is to carry an empty gas can. When you get a ride, you'll just have to make some excuse as to why you need a ride to the office, or grocery store, or gentlemen's club, instead of the gas station.

This guy almost got it right. He's well dressed, and carrying a gas can. We have no idea why he's walking in the middle of a field. So, make sure you actually walk along side a road that has cars driving on it.

4). Alternative Energy Sources - We're not talking about hybrid cars, solar powered vehicles or hydrogen fuel cells. Using these alternative fuel sources imposes a high initial cost. Not only that, but you're likely to get labeled "geek" or "pussy". Family members can be cruel sometimes. If you have access to one or more large animals, and if local zoning ordinances allow, look into animal assisted auto propulsion.

Yeah, something kinda like that. Don't worry about feeding your horse, oxen, Great Dane or what have you. Even in urban areas, there are parks and grassy medians where they can graze for free.

5). Drafting - if you're a NASCAR fan (and who isn't ?) then you're familiar with the concept of drafting. In car racing*, it's where one car races right behind another - sometimes measured in negative inches - to decrease wind resistance. This can decrease energy expenditure, and significantly reduces fuel use.

In auto racing this is considered a good thing. On the roads, this is called "tailgating" and has negative connotations. As drivers, we need to get over this hang-up with tailgaters, and recognize it as a viable gas conservation measure.

Well, that's the best we could do, considering the circumstances**. But we're confident that if you incorporate two or more of these tips into your daily transportation routine, you're very likely to get very odd looks or obscene hand gestures. Happy motoring.

* and in cycling too, if you happen to be sipping Chardonnay, wearing bright yellow Spandex shorts, and think Charles Oakley invented sunglasses.

** five Bud lights

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Hurricane Ike & Me

• 

As Hurricane Ike is heading towards the Texas coast, authorities in Houston have advised residents to "brace" rather than "flee". Because that's coming from either a politician or a bureaucrat, translation is required. (Taunt Vortex note: it's best if you can read the following paragraph in your head while using the dour, monotone voice of Ben Stein.)

As you know, there are four million of you here in Houston. If you all try to evacuate now, the inevitable traffic jam would result in your being stuck in your car roughly three blocks from your house when Ike hits. There would be death, destruction, total mayhem. So, buy batteries, stock up on water, and stay put in your homes. There will still be death, destruction, total mayhem - but the roads will be clear. Thank you for your cooperation.

I don't want to be glib about the potential for disaster here. My sister lives in Houston, and I'm a little concerned about her. Houston is essentially flat and built on a swamp, so it can soak up extra water like a brick. Fortunately for Houston, all of those glass skyscrapers downtown were built with a Cat 3 hurricane in mind. In an unrelated story, economists are predicting windfall profits for glass production companies, and a boom in the job market for glass-sweeper-uppers.

Ike's predicted path wasn't clear until roughly 48 hours before expected landfall, making emergency planning difficult. Lower-lying areas along the coast are evacuating, as is Galveston island. Galveston, which is a barrier island, will most likely be designated a barrier reef after the huge storm surge from Ike. The National Weather Service, also using their best dour monotone Ben Stein voice, warned that residents of smaller structures on Galveston could "face certain death" if they ignored evacuation orders. Word to my fellow Texans on Galveston island : when they go to the trouble to evacuate inmates from the prison, you should really get your ass out of there too.

I'm still wondering exactly what officials mean when they tell Houston residents to "brace themselves". Do you sit on your sofa, then assume the position that we're all taught by flight attendants in case of an impending plane crash? I wonder if assuming the fetal position in bed would count as bracing yourself? Whatever the case may be, I have the feeling that the "brace yourself" method of protection will work about as well as sticking your arm out to protect your passenger in a rollover car accident.

As a public service, the Taunt Vortex will provide a list of vital supplies to have on hand for those in Ike's path :

1). beer You can fill the bathtub with water if you like, but during a disaster, beer is the beverage of choice.
2). Ipod You'll be bored, and this well help drown out the noise from those annoying emergency sirens
3) . batteries For the flashlight that you'll be unable to find
4). porn At least have a few copies of Maxim or Playboy. You'll have to go 'old school' here, since you'll have no electricity or access to the internet, and that screen on your Iphone is way small.
5). junk food You'll need to eat, and junk food - especially Cheetos - has been found to be impervious to high winds and flood waters.

That should be enough to ensure your survival until normal services are restored. Living in Austin, we're just down the road from Houston and Galveston. My wife and I are basically "empty nesters" and have 3 extra bedrooms if any of you evacuees need a place to crash - just be sure to bring your vital supplies.

If you do decide to evacuate, visit Humor-blogs for some good dry humor.

NTSB : Mustang Drivers Suck

Washington, D.C. - In a formal press conference this morning, National Transportation Safety Board Chair Mark Rosenker issued a brief statement, saying "Mustang Drivers Suck".

"You've all seen it," Rosenker elaborated. "On the road, they've got quite an attitude problem. Driving much too fast, tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic, accelerating from traffic lights like they're about to give birth. And we're all pretty damned tired of it here at the NTSB."

Rosenker went on to say that not all Mustang drivers are included in this pronouncement, just drivers of "5th generation" Ford Mustangs manufactured since 2005. When asked why Mustang drivers drive like dicks, Rosenker speculated that newer Mustang drivers appear to drive around with a huge chip on their shoulders. "They can't afford a real muscle car, like a 'Vette, or a true sports car like the Porsche 911, so they overcompensate."

Along with issuing the formal "Mustang Drivers Suck" announcement, the NTSB will also work with individual state transportation departments and local law enforcement officers. According to Rosenker, the program will allow police to randomly pull over Mustang drivers, remove them from the vehicle, and "bitch slap" them in public*.

"We're hoping that this will provide the adequate attitude adjustment," said Rosenker. This isn't the first controversial statement from Rosenker at the NTSB, who has issued earlier pronouncements of "Hummer Drivers Need to Get a Life" and "Minivan Drivers are Idiots."

*Rosenker demonstrates the "bitch slap" in the above photo.

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Yet Another Atrocious American Product

As I was leaving my bedroom today in the pre-dawn hours, I just happened to notice a TV infomercial featuring a YAAAP (yet another atrocious American product).


My wife and I violate almost all of the rules that you're supposed to follow to get a good night's sleep, and one of them is that we will often leave the television on all night. As a result, I'm usually pretty up on all of the latest infomercial products, such as the ShamWow and the Awesome Auger. I know, I know, it impresses my friends and family, too.


But this morning I was introduced to a truly awful product, one that compels me to warn the faithful Taunt Vortex readers . For most infomercial products, you can pretty much deduce how the product came about by what need or desire it fulfills. For instance, the Ped Egg was obviously the brainchild of a married woman who 1). would retch at the thought of her husband's calloused scaly feet touching her well-pedicured feet while they were together in bed and 2). would retch at the thought of having to actually touch her husband's feet to remedy this problem. So, the PedEgg was invented so hubby could take care of his own damn nasty scaly feet. I'm guessing. It works pretty well, by the way.



Anyways, after watching this new infomercial, I came to the conclusion that there was only a few groups of consumers that would require such a dreadful product. Let's not keep it a secret, but this new product is the Snuggie, which they unabashedly call the "blanket with sleeves".


So just who is this product aimed at?

A. You're a busy working mom (or dad) who really digs the clothes monks and certain cult members wear, but with the job and the Junior League and the PTA and weekend soccer games, you just don't have the time to join yet another fringe group.

B. Your hobbies are calligraphy and painstakingly transcribing scripture, and you need a garment to get you in the right mindset. And you also like the idea of having a complete Halloween costume by simply adding a rope belt and a cross around your neck.

C. You belong to a fraternity and/or you're an alcoholic. You wake up in bed in just your boxers, hungover, with a half eaten bag of Fritos in your bed. You've got to pee like a racehorse, so you climb out of bed, clumsily wrapping the blanket around you in a feeble attempt to ward off the shakes. As you stumble across the floor, your feet and legs get tangled in the blanket, and you go careening headfirst into the TV stand. While you're sitting in the ER getting 28 sutures in your head, you think "Gee, it would be nice to have some sort of blanket with sleeves".

Let's cue the video:





Just a few comments here. This is a family that does not embarrass easily. Can you imagine answering your door wearing one of these? Or attending a sporting event in public? There they are, at 1:04 in the video, cheering on some unseen team while the other spectators keep telling themselves "don't laugh ,oh God don't laugh". Or how about the coed that's wearing one? Between her psychedelic "Peace" poster and the Snuggie, she can pretty much forget about any kind of social life for the next 4 to 6 years. And is it just me, or do those sleeves look like a fire hazard to you? I can't help but imagine that 5 minutes into the marshmallow roast, one of those kids will end up immolated in the back yard.

No, I'm not quite done ripping on this atrocious product. It comes in one size, but 3 colors. The choices of burgundy, sage green and royal blue look like they were pulled straight from a 70's era Sears catalog. Amazingly, they limit you to 6 Snuggies per order. Right now I'm saying a little prayer that I don't actually know 2 people who would wear one of these.

Finally, not only is this an awful product, but did the marketing whiz who came up with the name Snuggie ever hear of the Urban Dictionary?

Snuggie : 1. when your underwear rides of the front
2. a perfectly tight fitting coochie
3. when your pants ride up your ass
4. a severe form of wedgie in which the waistband is pulled over the victim's head

They will probably sell millions of these things.

If you'd like a nice warm feeling just from laughing hard, visit Humor-blogs .

What If ? The Amy Winehouse Makeover

There's no doubt that Amy Winehouse has had a rough decade this year. I've got to admit that until I looked her up on Wikipedia, the only things I knew about her were 1). her song "Rehab" and 2). her large number of personal problems that you need exponents and maps of the galaxy to accurately describe.

We don't want to appear to be "piling on", but for the sake of documentation, we should note that Amy has had issues with drug addiction, health issues (including but not limited to mental health) and an eating disorder. If toy researchers at Mattel were to develop the "anti-Barbie", the result would most likely resemble Amy Winehouse to a frightening degree. We're sorry, was that piling on?

There's no arguing that despite her personal problems, she does have musical talent. She won 5 Grammys this year, but what's more important is that I find her "Rehab" song quite catchy. However, we here at the Taunt Vortex must disagree in the strongest possible terms with the Wikipedia assertion that "Winehouse is best known for her soulful, powerful contralto vocals." That's like saying Ted Bundy was known for his interpersonal skills.

Okay, the editor is telling me that I need to get to the point muy pronto. As I was watching TV, I got to thinking, "What if Amy Winehouse had a total makeover?" Clean up her multi-drug addiction, get her some top-notch dental work, put her on an American fast-food diet to get some weight on her. Then there would be the painful (but possibly enjoyable for Amy) series of laser tattoo removal sessions. Finally, some Hollywood makeup, and a thorough shampooing(whatever kind of shampoo they test on orangutans) and professional hair styling. I'm almost certain you'd end up with :

Yeah, that's Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads on TV. Though not as popular as Amy Winehouse, Flo does seem to be developing a small cult following.

She's kinda cute, and would probably be fun to be with**, but in trying to describe her the one word that kept sticking in my mind was "kooky". There are mixed reviews about Flo out there - some find her annoying. But "kooky" is much better than "crazy rot-toothed anorexic crack head", unless you're trying to market the anti-Barbie. Plus, if you went out with Flo, you probably wouldn't feel the need to be de-loused afterwards. Cue the video :

Even after the makeover, you can still see the tell-tale Winehouse signs: big hair, freakishly long eye lashes.

Finally, I need to credit leighonline for her Amy Winehouse post that inspired this lesser work. You can find her blog and others at Humor-blogs.


** purely hypothetical, if I weren't blissfully married

Road Cyclist Q & A

• 

Dear recreational road cyclist with whom I'm sharing the road.



We see each other a lot on the road, me commuting in my car and you enjoying your sport. But other than a few hand gestures and threatening body language, we've never had the opportunity to sit down and communicate. I thought that it would be productive for all parties involved just to have a little Q & A.


1). Why do you hate road cyclists?


"Hate" is a pretty strong word. Let's just say that I get very annoyed with a large minority of road cyclists. With your mantra of "share the road" you seem more than willing to accept the rights that allow you to cycle on the road, but not all of the responsibilities. It makes you appear selfish and self-centered.


2). I think you're exaggerating. Can you give examples?


When you run stop signs or red lights, for starters. I realize the "stopping and starting" part of cycling isn't as fun as tooling down a hill pretending you're Lance in Stage 12 of the Tour de France. But following rules is just part of being a grown up.


3). Are you a cyclist? I think you're just jealous.


I will sometimes ride a mountain bike on trails. It's fun and good exercise too. And on the trails, I can almost always avoid inebriated/inattentive/cell phone chatting motorists cruising 70 mph just inches from my pedals.


My wife works as a manager, and part of her job is doing background checks on potential hires. There are a lot of people out there with DUIs, and you're out there riding along with these alcoholics. And you're protected by padded spandex shorts and a helmet made from the same stuff they used to make styrofoam coffee cups. Oh, and gloves. Good luck with that.


Jealous? I'm trying to envision how I might possibly be jealous of a grown man who wears spandex in public in colors that would embarrass even a gay rodeo clown. Or jealous of someone who "gets" to spend a fair amount of time sitting in the grass next to the road repairing flat tires. The guys at the tire shop consider that work, not a hobby.


4). Don't you realize that if motorists would just obey the traffic laws, it would be much safer for cyclists?

While we're wishing, why not just wish that there weren't any cars on the road at all? Or maybe they could invent some sort of Trekkie force field for bikes, so any car that came too close would be harmlessly deflected away.

We're getting back to that self-centered issue again. Just because you are special and you happen to be cycling doesn't mean that everyone else will do what they're supposed to. We're all pretty narcissistic when we start to ride our bikes at age 6 or so. But at your age, that narcissist thing is considered a personality disorder, and it's not healthy.

5). Aren't you being hypocritical? Motorists violate traffic laws all the time.

You're failing to recognize when bad drivers violate traffic laws, they have certain advantages that cyclists don't have : doors, bumpers, seat belts, air bags, etc. Sure that sucks, but that's how it is. Traffic laws may give cyclists just as much right to be on the road as a motor vehicle, but if you get hit by a truck the laws of physics will certainly take precedent over any local traffic laws. But you're certainly welcome to whine to us about it once you're out of intensive care and all of the tubes are out of your mouth.



6). What do you suggest we do?



Something indoors. With less spandex. But if you insist on road cycling, have some common sense, and don't be a hypocrite. If you're going to rant against motorists for violating traffic laws that threaten your safety, then you'd better be willing to follow traffic laws as well. Otherwise, you're going to get all bent out of shape. By an Escalade.



And you need to get over your fetish of having to ride on the far left edge of the shoulder. Where I commute the speed limit is 60, but there's a nice wide (6 feet or so) shoulder for cyclists to ride on. You could ride on the right side of the shoulder. Or in the middle. But no, you ride on the far left edge, often riding right on top of that solid white line that the Department of Transportation paints on there for reasons that seem to escape you. Perhaps you feel safe cycling on top of that line, but I've seen more than a few teenage girls driving SUVs and text messaging who also like to drive on top of that white line...and then some. Are you getting a clue yet?



Also, when you demonstrate the kind of judgment that makes you go for a bike ride during rush hour traffic in a major metro* area, it leads me to believe that you'd be better off pursuing a hobby that's supervised by adults.



7). Are you pissed because my bike costs more than your car?



Are you pissed because you'd be just as slow if you spent twice as much on your next bike?



8). Are you the only one who feels this way about cyclists?

Remember earlier how I said I don't hate cyclists? But there are some drivers who do. You probably haven't noticed because their car windows are rolled up you can't hear them cursing and shouting . Since Texas is a concealed handgun state, you might want to consider a Kevlar vest as part of your cycling garb. I'm just not sure if they make them in garish yellow or primrose pink. On second thought, most rednecks (I'm guessing) would rather run you down with their F-150 than waste a bullet on you. On third thought, they'd probably not want to scratch the paint, and shooting at you would just be practice for deer season.

9). Don't you realize that cycling is earth-friendly ?

I suppose that's why I see so many RVs and SUVs with bike racks on them. Granted, there are those individuals who use a bike to commute, either out of necessity or concern for the environment, and I admire them. But at least where I drive, these cyclists are few and far between. Either that, or they tend to work on weekends, and commute together in groups of 2 to 20.

I'm glad we had this little talk. I feel better now, and I know you learned a lot. Thanks.


It's not well known, but before Humor-blogs was a humor blog, it was a forum for outraged cyclists.


* metropolitan, not metrosexual

Dora the Explorer is Dead!

In a weekend press conference, a spokesperson for the Nickelodeon cable network issued the tragic news that Dora the Explorer has died.

"Dora the Explorer, beloved by children the world over, has met a horrific death in the middle of the Sahara desert." Dora, always kind and helpful to a fault, had agreed to fill in for Bear Grylls in one of the Discovery Channel's "Man vs Wild" episodes, when Grylls required an emergency vasectomy.

"I blame myself," Grylls lamented. "I should have realized that the Sahara desert is no place for an 8 year old girl, even one with Dora's experience." An earlier Man vs Wild episode featured Grylls being dropped by helicopter into the Sahara desert, then living by his wits and survival skills. It was so popular with viewers, that a repeat episode was planned.

Because of his urological emergency, Grylls was unable to do the repeat episode. Producers asked Dora to fill in because of her reputation as a world-class explorer and lack of a vas deferens. "We'd thought she'd be ok," said one staff member who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean really, with Boots the Monkey to help her, and her magic Backpack, we really didn't see any danger at all."

Dora and Boots the Monkey were taken deep into the Sahara by helicopter, where they were dropped about 200 miles from the closest village. In most circumstances, Dora can produce whatever she needs from her magic Backpack. Details are sketchy, but experts speculate that in the merciless heat of the Sahara, Dora became disoriented enough to make her vulnerable. In this state, Swiper the Fox was able to steal Dora's Backpack before she could utter "Swiper, no swiping!" three times.

Unable to produce food or water, Dora quickly succumbed. "In her own television show, Dora would often stop, and ask her viewers for help whenever she was in a pickle," stated the anonymous staffer. "But we didn't take into account that her viewers are mostly other children, whose outdoor survival skills suck."

Apparently Ms. Explorer was able to obtain a knife before the backpack was stolen. "She died of heat exhaustion and dehydration," said Bear Grylls. "But Boots the Monkey was found gutted and cleaned, so we know she didn't starve to death. She really showed pretty spunky survival skills for an 8 year old. I admit I'm impressed."

Meanwhile, Moroccan officials are on the lookout for Swiper the Fox. "In the hands of a kind and pleasant 8 year old girl, a magic Backpack is a benign thing," elaborated an Moroccan police official. "But in the hands of someone sneaky and mean-spirited like Swiper, we worry about the potential for much much badness." Officials wouldn't say more, but it's conceivable that Swiper could use the Backpack to obtain firearms, RPGs, or even a nuclear device.

Reporters asked the Nickelodeon spokesperson why the camera crew hadn't come to Dora's aid. Apparently Dora and Boots were filming this episode themselves with a small digital camera. "The usual staff and camera crew was busy documenting Bear's vasectomy." A Discovery Channel spokesperson said that the "vasectomy" episode of Man vs Wild will air this coming November. Rumor has it that Bear wielded the scalpel himself.

If you're searching for great humor, check out Humor-blogs.

TAUNT VORTEX EDITOR'S NOTE : This story is not to be read as a metaphor or a parable about a famous politician who up until a couple of weeks ago wasn't so famous and whose name rhymes with failin'. Got it? Good.

Interview: The Most Interesting Man in the World

After a long day of ridiculing others, the staff here at the Taunt Vortex will often ride our bikes to a dark, smoky bar on the outskirts of town. Once there we'll drink heavily until our self esteem is elevated until it just surpasses that of Amy Winehouse.

It was during one of these TV staff meetings that by pure chance I ran into The Most Interesting Man in the World. You've probably seen him in those ads for Dos Equis beer. In the bar, it was much like the commercial, with Mr. Interesting seated at a table, wearing a white shirt and a dark jacket, surrounded by attractive young women who sported wardrobe and hairstyles from Pulp Fiction and hung on his every word.

It would have been a discredit to my journalism degree from Idaho State to pass up an opportunity like this. I nursed my Schlitz Malt Liquor and the rest of the TV staff played Frogger. Finally, one of the young women, Carlotta, got up to unplug the Frogger machine and I quickly took her seat. Mr. Interesting must have been getting a little bored with her, because he sighed and rolled his eyes as I sat down. He was reluctant at first, but finally agreed to an interview after we agreed to take our bikes outside and go home when the interview was over.

TV : So what's your name?
TMIMITW : I'm not allowed to tell you. I'm contractually obligated by the Dos Equis company.
TV : Well, that sort of makes you mysterious, but not really interesting.
TMIMITW : That's not a question. You truly suck at interviewing.
TV : Ok, ok, in fairness I checked out the Dos Equis website. There were a lot of photos of you doing rather adventuresome things, but they sort of looked Photoshopped. So, were those really you?
TMIMITW : Again, I'm unable to say due to contractual reasons.
TV : Okayyy, so we're sort of covering old ground here again. You know, you sort of resemble Ernest Hemmingway, and he was known for doing a lot of adventuresome things. Do you like cats?
TMIMITW : What sort of inane question is that?
TV : Well, Hemmingway liked cats. There were lots of photos of you doing things like flying, deep sea diving, wrestling a tiger. Do you think you could kick Hemmingway's ass?
TMIMITW : He's dead.
TV : Well, I know, but I mean if there was like a time machine, and you went back in time, or he moved forward into the future, and you met in a bar like this - could you take him?
TMIMITW : (rubbing temples, with head lowered) Where did you say you got your journalism degree?
TV : Idaho State. Seriously though, doing a lot of different adventurous things doesn't necessarily make you interesting. What do you do that's so interesting?
TMIMITW : Well, I'm well traveled, I'm a connoisseur of fine wines and cigars. I enjoy a good crossword puzzle, and sometimes sudoku.
TV : Excuse me, not only is that stuff not adventurous, it's only interesting if you're Frasier Crane. Or his brother - what was his name, Miles?
TMIMITW : It's Niles, you idiot. Are insults part of your interviewing repertoire?
TV : Often, yes. I'm sorry. Let's try a different tack. During the ads you often say rather clever pithy things, like "Being boring is a choice. Those mild salsas and pleated khakis don't buy themselves." My question - what the hell do you have against pleated khakis?*
TMIMITW : Look you dolt, I'm an actor, they write those lines for me. That's not coming from me. So can you just leave me alone now?
TV : If you say something clever and interesting, I'll forget the pleated khaki remark.
TMIMITW : And you'll leave?
TV : I'll leave.
TMIMITW : Why don't you go outside and see if I'm there?

So, I had been standing outside for about 12 minutes when I figured out his little joke. To add insult to injury, we all had to walk home because they locked the doors with our bikes inside. Despite my lack of preparation, I think that I was able to do a respectable interview, and I think we all learned a lot more about "The Most Interesting Man in the World".

Number one, he's a little mysterious, but not really that interesting. He hates cats and khaki, but watches Frasier. He can work crossword puzzles, but he's afraid that if someone built a time machine, Hemmingway would come kick his ass. I never got a chance to ask him why he ends the ads with "Stay thirsty, my friends", but it doesn't really sound like something I'd wish on my friends. So, apparently he's a cruel bastard too.

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that I'm more interesting than TMIMITW. So, if Corona or Bud Light wants to start a "Most Interesting Man in the Solar System" ad campaign, drop me a line.

There are some interesting humor blogs, and even some humorous interest blogs over at Humor-blogs.


* the malt liquor was starting to kick in

Profile : Hell-Bound Neighbor # 11

Actually, this neighbor isn't evil, just annoying. So perhaps he's not really hell-bound, maybe just taking the bus to purgatory. To protect his anonymity, I'll call him Harry, because it rhymes with his real name, Barry.


Harry's lived in our neighborhood for about a year, but by virtue of having a neighborhood Yahoo group, everybody is aware that Harry has a pet peeve. Actually, he probably has dozens. If you get the "Journal of Advanced Pet Peeve Studies", you'll know from the March 2002 volume that people who make public their pet peeves usually harbor dozens of private pet peeves. If I recall correctly, the public/private ratio was something like 1:9. So pity Harry's poor wife.


On more than one occasion, Harry has been compelled to post a message on the neighborhood message board to voice his concern. And just what is the focus of Harry's worries? Advertisers who place flyers or doorhangers on his front door. Really. I think using Harry's own posts to the message board says it best:



"The 'X' company this morning attached its flyer to my door with a rubber band. This company does this about once a month. Almost every day, I get up and there's stuff attached to my door. This has got to stop."



Ok, so it sounds like he doesn't get up every day. I had a disturbed great uncle who was like that. At the end of the message, Harry sounds like he's about to snap.




"The 'X" company attached its advertising to my door with a rubber band. Again! This must be the fourth time - and we haven't lived here a year. Again, this company must be told to advertise in the newsletter, but that polluting our properties with advertising is not the way to get business."


Seriously, if you live in a house or an apartment and you have a front door, then you're probably familiar with door flyers. They're not really that big. In fact, with the moderate sized front yards in my neighborhood, you'd actually have to be looking for them to see one on somebody's front door. For Harry's edification, the photo at the top of this post are door flyers. This is pollution :




In a way, I'm sort of envious of Harry that door flyers are his primary source of concern. While the rest of us worry about work issues, raising a family, illness, and being unable to find the remote control, apparently the only thing Harry has to worry about are door flyers. I don't think he realizes it, but he's so close to Nirvana. But not quite.

"X put its ad on my doorknob. Again, this company should be told to advertise in the newsletter."

With this last post on the message board, Harry triggered a response from another neighbor. And, no, it wasn't me!

"Thank you so much for continuing to post your positive, uplifting messages on the Board. I'm sure everyone enjoys them as much as me."

Yeah, Harry got served. He stopped posting about the flyers - for about 2 months, and then he was back at it. If Harry ever read the "Canadian Review of Sarcasm and Down Jackets", August 2004 issue, he'd understand that for every sarcastic remark made to you on the internet, there are at least 14 friends/family members/coworkers who want to say something sarcastic to you, but don't.

In all, Harry's posts about door flyers comprises almost 1% of all of the messages on our neighborhood message board. And he's only been there a year. Harry must have never heard of the law of unintended consequences. What he doesn't realize is that it's not CFOs or advertising executives going around placing these ads on his door. It's workers who don't have a lot of skills, but want to work. You take this job away, and they might end up breaking into your house to steal stuff - like your PC! No more posting on the neighborhood message board! Hmmmm...are you thinking what I'm thinking?

We here at the Taunt Vortex are considering saving up all of our flyers and doorhangers. When we move out of this god forsaken hell hole of door advertisements, maybe - just maybe - we'll donate them to some worthy neighbor. If you'd like to donate to the cause, feel free to send us yours too.

Over at Humor-blogs they keep yelling at me to get off the lawn.

Thunder Stuck

I know I'd be hard pressed to come up with a new name for myself, if the witness protection program hadn't taken the liberty to do so. Apparently the owners of the new Oklahoma City NBA franchise ran into the same problem.

The new OKC team is actually the old Seattle SuperSonics team. Apparently they grew weary of being subjected to the majestic mountains, pristine lakes and lush forests of the Pacific Northwest, and opted for dusty flatness. The SuperSonics chose that name because of the proximity and presence of the Boeing corporation, and Boeing makes jet airplanes. Because the state of Oklahoma doesn't really have an airport that can accommodate planes with those "new fangled" jet engines, "SuperSonics" wasn't really an appropriate name. (Note to the owners of the Utah NBA franchise: most uptight white upper middle class Mormons still think "Jazz" is something that is immediately followed by "ercise".)

Professional sports teams are often named after things that are unique to their particular geographic location or city (although there is absolutely nothing "Magic" about Orlando). So I got to thinking about Oklahoma and OKC, what they were known for, and possible names for the NBA franchise:

- there's oil. Oilers has already been done.

- tornadoes. Would be sort of like naming a New Orleans team the "Katrinas". Let's not trigger that post-traumatic stress disorder.

- domestic terrorism. Would cause problems in the airport when the team traveled. "Look, it's the bombers!"

- cowboys. See #1.

- drunken barroom brawls. You don't want to name one local sport after another.

- college football. "We know you're really more of a football demographic but please please give us a chance and at least come watch a few of our games, maybe after football season is over?" is just too wordy.


Apparently the franchise owners and I were on totally different tracks. Here are some of the names they considered before settling on "Thunder" :

- Wind. That's just asking for never-ending jokes using the word "passing".

- Barons. I've been to Oklahoma many times. The only Barons I saw were in the frozen pizza aisle at the grocery store.

- Marshalls. Uh, dude, that's a department store. How about the "TJ Maxx"?

- Energy. OKC Energy. Not to be confused with the utility company of the same name.

- Bison. Well, they look sort of intimidating - but they eat grass.

So you can see the problem the owners had. If I owned the team, I would have picked a really cool name and logo first, then moved the team to the appropriate city. But what do I know? I guess "Thunder" isn't a bad name for an NBA team. I just pray to God that they don't torture us by playing that "Thunder Rolls" song by Garth Brooks over and over and over. It probably doesn't matter in the long run, because in 3 or 4 years this same franchise will have to come up with a name that fits Boise.

I'm known for my stifling defense over at Humor-blogs.

Stripper Economic Indicator Takes a Downturn

No, I didn't dream up this post just so I could spend a grueling 6 1/2 hours doing a Google image search for a humor-blogs.com appropriate photo of a stripper.

In fact, I actually wanted to do some first-hand journalistic research, but I couldn't convince my wife that I needed to visit 4 or 5 strip clubs in the name of journalistic integrity. Besides, they won't let you take pictures in strip clubs. So I hear.

Anyway, this post is more about finance and the economy. I realize that I just lost all my readers - except for Glenn, the accountant in Madison. Thanks for hanging in there for me Glenn! Lately, I've been a little more upbeat about the economic situation here in the U.S.. You may be skeptical, but I'll throw a few numbers at you that will make you kiss the ground and thank the baby Jesus that you didn't major in econ.

For the April-June quarter, the GDP rose by 3.3 %. To refresh your memory, let's review the formula for GDP:

GDP = C + I + G + (X - M)

Where C = cars , I = interest, G = gas , X = x rays and M = MasterCard

Apparently this went up last quarter, and that's a good thing. I thought there were other reasons to be optimistic, as the drop in gas prices has made siphoning less attractive, and there's talk of another round of economic stimulus checks going out. But then I heard something the other day that convinced me that we're in for tough economic times ahead.

If you've read some of my older posts, you'd know that my wife manages a restaurant/cafe/bar. The people she meets at work are far more interesting* than the people I meet at work, so I tend to write about them. Last week she interviewed a couple of young women for a server (waitress) position. The job pays a little over $2 an hour (really), but you get tips. So, as my wife says, a "good server" can earn maybe $ 100 a night. This is all highly theoretical, however, since there are only 17 "good servers" in the entire city of Austin, and none of them happen to work there.

What was interesting about these two female applicants is that they are strippers in a strip club. (No, Glenn, I don't have their numbers). They were applying for waitress jobs because apparently the stripping gig wasn't paying well anymore. I was dumbfounded. This is surely not a good sign for our economy. I mean really, if a young woman wearing a thong bikini (or less) can't earn a decent living by dancing for men who have at least a .12 blood alcohol level, what hope do the rest of us have?

I did some research, and I actually found some data regarding the Stripper Economic Indicator (SEI). It was presented in the prestigious Journal of Obscure Economic Indicators and Gluten-Free Pastry Recipes. According to the May 1986 volume, when strippers make career changes due to economic considerations, it is 92 % predictive of a recession within the next two quarters. Oh, and the Coconut Almond Pie is to die for.

I've forwarded the information regarding the SEI to President Bush and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. I haven't heard back from them yet, but I did get an email from Bill Clinton...

For some reason, they always have a lot of one-dollar bills over at Humor-blogs.

* interesting = disturbed and/or clueless