Pet Corner at Humor-Blogs.com

Taunt Vortex Warning: this post rates a 3 out of a possible 5 on the "Ewww, gross" scale*

At the Taunt Vortex household, we have an old dalmatian/lab mix. She's about 14 or 15 years old - yes, in human years - so she's acquired all of the baggage that goes along with a yellowing AARP card: failing eyesight, poor hearing, forgetfulness (sad, because she doesn't have a lot to remember) and a certain fondness for cafeteria food.



We got her on purpose, and we still very much love the old girl. But we've also acquired some other house guests, or "pets" for lack of a better term. We've got Geckos.


Geckos are the charming little lizards that you may recognize from the tv ads for GEICO insurance. Lizards don't inherently have anything in common with auto liability. They just picked the gecko because it sounds much like the company name. I'm extremely glad that the company name wasn't Maggert, because I just don't think I could stomach a talking fly larva trying to sell me insurance - so to speak. Even if it had a British accent.


So, we have these inadvertent pets, the geckos, but they really don't bother us much, and we don't try to get rid of them. I figure that they eat insects, and I'd rather have geckos in the house than ants or roaches. I don't think that's unusual for most humans: we tend to look more favorably upon species that are closer to us on the evolutionary scale. (Or, for you creationists, we favor creatures created on Day 5 more than those on Day 4). So, we'd rather have a cat as a pet over a slime mold, or have dinner with a tapeworm over Charles Krauthammer.


I've never actually seen a Gecko scamper into our house when the door is opened, but I'm pretty sure that's how they get in. Our current resident geckos must be rather fleet of foot, but we used to rent a house that had slacker geckos. We knew this, because we'd often see two-dimensional geckos stuck in the door jamb. What an awful way to go. I've had the car door slammed on my thumb, but this would be like having a humongous alien UFO door being slammed on your entire body as you were trying to escape the probing session. I'm guessing. We never peeled the geckos off of the door jamb, and knowing my landlord, they're probably still there.


Even if you wanted to catch a gecko, it's not so easy. They are equipped with "ejector" tails, which easily detach if you attempt to grab one. If you've ever hung out with someone who's had advanced leprosy, and you accidentally try to shake their hand or grab their arm, then you know how disturbing it can be to have a major appendage suddenly not be attached to its rightful owner. So, we generally avoid trying to capture the geckos.


I say "geckos", because I'm assuming there's more than one. But now that I think about it, I'm not so sure. I've never seen two together. And when I've seen one, it's usually a sort of pinkish color. I've seen a darker colored one, but now some of the little suckers can change color, can't they? So, we've either got one gecko, or more than one. And who says I don't have astrophysicist grade critical thinking skills?


Geckos as pets are pretty low maintenance. There's no feedings, no trips to the veterinarian, no pulling them off of bloodied and horrified joggers. If you are considering getting a gecko, there are just a few basic recommendations that I can give you:



1). shake out your shoes before putting them on. Especially if you don't wear socks.


2). refrain from tossing a frisbee at your gecko. You'd think that they'd be really good at catching them because of those cool little "sticky pads" on their feet, but they're not. (Cue visual)

3). geckos may not be compatible with other household critters: cats, birds, hungry toddlers



4). even if you work on Wall Street, do not name your gecko "Gordon". That's been done to death.


If you enjoyed this installment of "Pet Corner", maybe check back again, and if I'm motivated enough I may just publish a post about dust mites. Oh, and for those who thought this post was titled "pet coroner", I apologize for your understandable disappointment.

Most of the bloggers at Humor-blogs have pets, so they must be pretty decent people.

* confirmed by the European Committee on Grossness Tabulation and Arugula Harvest Statistics, Zurich Switzerland

Vacation Photos

I think I know the readers that visit the Taunt Vortex, and if they are anything like me, they would rather hang out with Billy Mays after having inner ear surgery than look at someone's vacation photos. So please forgive me this little self-indulgent post.





I went on vacation with my wife for a few days, and we managed to get in a lot of fun-filled type activities in a short period of time.





We flew out of the Minneapolis/St. Pauli Girl International Airport. This is a photo of Joyce and Carl. We met them at the airport and really hit it off.





They really travel pretty light, and after a while my wife got rather annoyed after I'd mentioned this 7 or 8 times.Note to self : get hernia checked next week.






After they made me drink all of those bottles of "water" at the security gate, I really had to take a whiz. You wouldn't believe how busy the restrooms were at the airport. I'm pretty sure that was Larry Craig on the right.












By the time our flight got to Florida and we checked into the Value-Inn Motel (with color TV), it was too late to hit the beach. I thought a nice romantic sunset photo would be a great keepsake, but you wouldn't believe the attitude my wife got when I asked her to take this photo of me and "Mindy" from the hotel bar.








The next morning we hit the beach. The weather was great, but we ran into a few odd characters at the beach.








This weird old guy kept chasing this little kid who was screaming and crying. I thought about calling the Beach Patrol, but then I just turned up my IPod and everything was cool.










Then there was this couple. They did this for hours. From what I've read recently, piggy-back rides are now the fourth most popular beach activity.

















This guy looked pretty innocent at first. But after he kept blowing that thing up, it turned out to be an inflatable girl in a purple bikini. And he wouldn't even take a check for it, the bastard.









That was day 1. We got a good night's sleep, because I wanted to do more adventurous things the next day.






I'd never done any windsurfing before. I started off pretty good, but then I fell off and lost my board. Good thing it was a rental!



















Wife got this great photo of me swimming back to shore. After she finished CPR, I was able to sneak past the Windsurfing kiosk without being recognized.





After that, my wife wanted us to do something together that didn't involve first-aid.




Flying kites seemed pretty safe, and from what I've read, it's the sixth most popular beach activity. It started off fun - but then my wife got pretty ticked when I took her kite to show her how a real man flies a kite.








I don't want to brag, but when it comes to golf I'm almost as good as our club pro. Here you see me using the 20 or 30 iron (I don't remember which one) to make a shot. You can't tell from the photo, but I made a "hole in two".
















After a long day of life-threatening activities, we thought it would be relaxing and romantic to drink champagne and soak in the tub - well, separate tubs - while watching the sunset over the water.



She hauled the tubs out to the beach and filled them with water while I chatted up "Mindy" at the hotel bar. The drinking-champagne-soaking-in-tubs-watching-the-sunset thing wasn't quite as relaxing as it looks, for some reason.






We flew back home the next morning. I love to travel, and before we got back I was thinking about where I'd like to go next summer. I suggested to my wife "How about France?", and she mumbled something about a permanent vacation. So, I'll take that as a "maybe".



See your travel agent, and visit Humor-blogs.

Cindy McCain Thrilled with VP Choice

Cindy McCain, seen here with her husband and Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, expressed unbridled joy at the choice of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin for VP.

"It will be nice to have another young woman in the white house," she elaborated "to sort of compensate for all the the wrinkles, dentUcream, and testosterone," she said in an exclusive Taunt Vortex interview.

Even though Cindy McCain and Palin haven't met yet, McCain is sure they'll hit it off. "She's young and pretty, she looks good in fur, and she came in second in a beauty pageant once, so I think we share core values." Cindy McCain initially had some misgivings about Sarah Palin after hearing that her interests included hunting, ice fishing, snowmobiling, and eating moose hamburgers.

"It doesn't matter," Cindy McCain stated, "because she's stylish and fashionable, and we're going to have a great time in the White House. " McCain said she was looking forward to spending time with Palin "...shopping, doing each others hair, getting our nails done".

"I know John is excited too," Cindy said. "Why, he still keeps that copy of Vogue* with her photo spread in the bedroom. And I just know that she'll love the sleepovers! Just thinking about pillow fights reminds me of my sorority days at USC!"

"I've been working on some nicknames for her," McCain said. "Maybe Sissy, or Sally...or maybe Mooseburger - ha ha ha! She looked great in Vogue, but some of her recent photos concern me. But after we get to the White House, John says she'll have plenty of time for a makeover."

Cindy McCain was then brusquely ushered away by men in suits and sunglasses. The Taunt Vortex interviewer is recovering nicely in a local hospital, and should be able to eat solids soon.

Sarah Palin sports fur from a bear "That she killed with her own hands," according to a Republican spokesperson.

Sarah Palin, pre- makeover.

Sarah Palin, publicity photo from the limited release film "The Naughty Librarian"

If you vote for me at Humor-blogs, I'll make all of your wildest dreams come true.

* December, 2007

The Ad that Moves Me - To Vomit

I'll admit it, I do watch TV, but probably not any more than your average shut-in. I'm usually fairly tolerant of the commercial advertising, but lately there's been one ad floating around that is so awful, irritating and annoying that it triggers a visceral response so intense that I'm almost forced to get up and look for the remote control.

Perhaps you've seen this ad. It's for United Van Lines, and it features a blissfully happy family that is apparently moving to Florida. It makes me think that perhaps the moving van driver handed out some Prozac just before they left. Handfulls of it. The "tag" for the ad on YouTube says "This commercial shows the light hearted optimism of new beginnings made possible by United Van Lines". Okay, right there I just had to suppress a little gag reflex.

Apparently the guy at the ad agency who wrote this has never had to move (at least with his family), and is still living with his parents. There is absolutely nothing light hearted or optimistic about moving. In fact, whenever I've had to move, the most optimism I could muster was "I'm pretty sure the moving van won't spontaneously burst into flames, incinerating all of our worldly possessions." And on the "light hearted" scale, moving ranks somewhere between a colonoscopy and attending a funeral.

Back to the actual ad. This family is driving their nondescript SUV, and, get this - the moving van is actually behind them, following them! I hate to tell them this, but odds are pretty good that the truck behind them isn't then one with all of their crap in it. Here's how the typical logistics works out: you are moving from North Carolina to Louisiana. So you drive from North Carolina to Louisiana. The truck with all of your stuff in it leaves North Carolina, drives to Virginia, then on to Ohio, where they unload it, and after 2 or 3 days, load your stuff onto another truck. This new truck then drives to Louisiana, via Utah.

So, this family - mom and dad in the front, teenage son in the back - have reached a sort of Zen level of acceptance about the big move, and each is wondering what things will be like. Let's go to the video, and then we'll deconstruct the ad further.





Okay, so right off the bat, don't you just want to punch this kid in the face? You're not a collie! Get your friggin head inside of the car.

The camera focuses on mom, and she thinks "I wonder if I can use the extra bedroom as a walk-in closet?"

It's no wonder that you've having to move. If you've got so much crap that you have to use a bedroom as a closet, you need some kind of therapy or 12-step program. Or at least your credit cards destroyed.

Then dad says to himself "I wonder if I can build a barbecue pit in the backyard?"

Ok, what's there to wonder about? Are you renting the place? Are you able to buy bricks and mortar at Lowes? Or are you just hoping for permission from the superficial bitch in the passenger seat?

They save the best line for the teenage son. "I wonder what cheerleaders wear in Florida?" he says, as he looks up toward the sky, as if he's asking God almighty if his teenage libido will be sated by short-skirted bimbos in Jacksonville.

Ok, apparently he watches sports on TV, and apparently he likes the cheerleaders. Has it ever dawned on Captain Observant that no matter where the games are televised from, the cheerleaders always wear the same thing? Cheerleader uniforms anyone? Perhaps, since he's moving to Florida, his testosterone addled teenaged brain is expecting thong bikini clad cheerleaders. He's going to be disappointed a lot during his life, I can just tell.

Then the commercial cuts to a shot of the moving van, driving away. I can't wait until after the commercial is over - the looks on their faces as they take an exit, but the moving van keeps going.

You'll find some more moving humor over at Humor-blogs

Profile: Hell-Bound Neighbor # 17

Despite the fact that I will occasionally taunt some of my neighbors like they're the stutterer in speech class, most of them - well, a lot of them - are pretty nice folks.

To clarify, this post is actually about a former neighbor, but now seems like a good time for us (the Taunt Vortex and its erudite readers) to share a good laugh at his expense.


Our house happens to be located next to the neighborhood tennis court. The tennis court is surrounded by a high fence with wind guards. One side of our house is about 20 feet away from the court, but there are no doors or windows on that side of our house. So far, so good.

Our neighborhood happens to be governed by a homeowner's association. If you know anything about HOAs, you'll know that their rules and regulations take precedent over local laws, the U.S. Constitution, and sometimes even the laws of thermodynamics. Everyone that moves into the neighborhood signs an agreement saying that they will abide by the HOA rules. If you insist on breaking the HOA rules, they have the power and authority to enforce them by various means, including : sternly worded letters (sent by registered mail), snubbing your wife at the coffee klatch, fines, and in more severe cases, putting a lien on your property or kidnapping your first born.

The tennis court rules state that the court may be used from 9 am to 9 pm, seven days a week. Holidays, too, so knock yourself out. Even for the most avid player of this monotonous dying sport, 84 hours a week seems like more than adequate time to pursue your passion. Unless you're the neighbor that used to live behind us. Snubbing the HOA rules, he would often be on the court as early as 7 am.

On weekends, the wife and I would often want to sleep late (i.e., past 7 am), and to be awakened by the thump-thump-thump of a tennis game was as irritating and annoying as watching Britney Spears try to explain gravity. The sound of thumping tennis balls was sort of like Chinese water torture, but interspersed with shouts of "in", "out", and "you suck, try harder". It was our neighbor- let's call him Bob- playing tennis with one of his kids at that ungodly hour.

This happened a few times, and finally my wife got annoyed enough to confront Bob. She walked over to the tennis court, and in a civil fashion (because my wife always starts off civil), told Bob that he was breaking the HOA rules by playing before 9 am, and that she'd really appreciate it if he'd stop doing so.

Now Bob, being a grown man (well, as far as we knew), had a few options. He could have been contrite, apologized, and promptly left the tennis court. He could have ignored my wife, and simply continued to play. It that case, I would have considered using the "doomsday" weapon : using a combination lock and my bike cable to lock the tennis-happy douchebag inside the tennis court, at least until 9 am. Ah, the road not traveled...

Bob took option #3. He got agitated, started throwing tennis balls over the fence and into our backyard, and then he called my wife a Nazi.

I know what you're thinking, and no, she wasn't wearing a brown shirt or swastika adorned jewelry. She doesn't have a German accent. Everyone there was the same race. She said nothing about invading Poland. No, she simply requested that Bob adhere to the rules he agreed to when he moved in.

So, Bob left the tennis court, still ranting. I got to thinking about his Cuckoo's Nest reaction to the entire matter. Apparently, Bob felt pretty entitled to flaunting the rules. I'm not really sure where his sense of entitlement came from. He owned an Outback Steakhouse. Woo fuckin' hoo. It is a couple of notches above the Jack in the Box, but the neighborhood is chock-full of doctors, attorneys and high-tech types. If you'd seen his wife, you'd understand that she wasn't really a "trophy" wife. No, she was more like a "thanks for participating certificate" sort of wife. So maybe it wasn't a sense of entitlement, maybe douchebag Bob just had a chip on his shoulder - big enough to call my wife a Nazi in front of his own kid. That's some quality role model behavior from a father, no? When you get pissed and can't have your way, call someone a Nazi! Or, for variety, Mussolini!

I would have been pissed at Bob for calling my wife that, if I didn't think his reaction was so outrageously funny. And we got a few free tennis balls. Besides, I actually felt a little sorry for him. His teenage son had red hair and freckles, and you know how hard that can be on a parent*.

Bob and his family have moved. I think my wife had the HOA send him one of those "stern letters", because he never played prior to 9 am again. But I'm sure he's still out there, screeching "whoredog" at the bank teller for making him wait in line, or "asswipe" at the Blockbuster employee for charging him a late fee.

Visit Humor-blogs. They are to humor what Anna Kournikova is to that monotonous, dying sport.

* before you accuse me of being a "complexionist", just try to name three powerful, rich, or famous men who have red hair. If I spot you Red Buttons and Ron Howard, what have you got?
Carrot Top!

Seven Reasons Russell Crowe Might be Gay

When it comes to an individual's sexual preference, we here at the Taunt Vortex try not to be judgmental. Well, unless you prefer Madonna. Otherwise, it's "live and let live". However, if we feel like you're lying to us, or if you're just in denial, we reserve the right to publish our thoughts (and wild unfounded speculations) on the matter.

Which brings us to our current subject , actor and frequent mandatory anger-management class graduate, Russell Crowe. It's possible that he could be perfectly straight. He is married, with children. And he did date Meg Ryan, who was known as America's sweetheart until usurped by Clay Aiken. But we just get the feeling that there's a "Big Gay Russ" just trying to escape that hetero facade. Here's the evidence.

- the photo above

Sure, he had to wear that costume for the role. But he just looks like he's enjoying it a little too much. And did he use the bedazzler himself to adorn that oversized codpiece? You can cut the symbolism with a knife.

- the titles of his movie roles

Master and Commander, Tenderness, Cinderella Man, Gladiator? Ever been in a Turkish prison, Joey?

- he enjoys watching rugby, and is even part-owner of an Australian rugby team

Grown men. In shorts. And knee socks. Just type in "scrum" in Google image search, and you'll be more than just a little disturbed by the results.

- as part owner of an Australian rugby team, in 2007 he fired the team (female) cheerleaders, citing that they were detracting from the game.

Until this, at no time in the history of Western Civilization has a man fired a cheerleader. By the way, anything that detracts from a rugby match is probably a good thing.

- from 1986 to 1988, Crowe was in the touring production of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"



And his character? Dr. Frank N. Furter, naturally.

- a direct quote from Mr. Crowe: "But when I can't sleep at night, I design clothes, and this is something I had made up as a crew gift."

Uh, some guys watch ESPN, or Proof of Life, or take Lunesta when they can't sleep.

- well documented violent outbursts



With such a charmed life, there must be something that generates all of that hostility. If it's not "Australian Inferiority Syndrome", then suppressed homosexuality is a strong candidate.

We've made our case here at the Taunt Vortex, but it's up to you, the readers, to decide. Lastly, if you ever happen to run into Russell Crowe, don't feel that it's necessary to mention this blog.

If Russell Crowe reads Humor-blogs, it'll make him laugh himself straight!

Letter to My College Bound Daughter

Tomorrow, we will be taking our daughter to college for the first time. She's our youngest, and so my wife has been busy practicing the "empty nest" syndrome for the last week, so much so that I think it's advanced to empty nest malady, finally settling into advanced empty nest disease. Just about anything will trigger the flood of tears : the diaper aisle at the grocery store, "back to school" retail ads on TV, second-degree burns. Ok, well that last one isn't new. But you get the idea.

I try to say the right things like "Just be glad she's going off to college, and not living at home working as a stripper." But, surprisingly, my words fail to comfort my wife. It's a stressful time for my daughter, too, since she will be going through so many new experiences. Since she refuses to "friend" me on Facebook, I feel compelled to write her a letter here, to tell her how we feel and to better prepare her for the challenges ahead :



I can't believe it's been over 18 years now since you were born! I've loved you since the minute you were born, but I really felt more attached to you after the first couple of weeks, when your eyes finally opened and you stopped spitting up on me. Despite the late night feedings, the frequent diaper changes (or not-so-frequent during football season), and trips to the pediatrician, those first few months flew by. By the way, I think your pediatrician was a lesbian, but fortunately that didn't seem to have any effect on your gender identity.



There were so many firsts: crawling, your first step, your first day of school, your first unprovoked attack on your older brother, your first broken collarbone, your first interview with the nice folks at Children's Protective Services. Through it all, you developed into a smart, strong, independent young woman with a great sense of humor. Oh my gosh, I almost forgot to mention all of the activities! Let's see, there was dance, swimming, diving, dance again, soccer, volleyball, jai alai, horseback riding, billiards, fly fishing, saxophone, 4-H, sewing, dance again, bonsai, and creative writing. I'm really sorry that mom and I didn't realize sooner that you had ADHD. We just thought that you had a lot of varied interests. Fortunately we found out before you started college, and your medication should help you focus your energies and attention.



Next week you'll start college. Now, you'll hear a lot of parents tell their kids that college is about "finding yourself" and "expanding your horizons". Someone should punch them in the groin. I've been to a lot of colleges, and when they have graduation ceremonies in the Spring, they don't give certificates or special recognition to the students who did the best job of "finding themselves". On the contrary, the students who spent the most time "expanding their horizons" were usually the ones who would show up to class hungover or wasted, wearing pajamas, and were completely at a loss to answer even something so basic as the class roll. Their grades sucked. So, if I haven't made it clear, good grades are important!



Now that may seem like a lot of pressure, but it really isn't. You made good grades in high school, and you can do it in college too. I've checked the demographics. You'll be more competitive in the classroom in college because a). there will be more binge drinkers than there were in your high school, probably, and b). there will definitely be fewer Asian students in your college classes. If you'll follow just a few basic study guidelines, you'll succeed academically.

And, Dad, just what are those guidelines? I'm soooo glad you asked.

- Go to class! You can't Tivo the lecture. Besides, we paid a lot for your tuition, and if you skip class, it's just like sneaking into my room, and taking a couple of twenties out of my wallet so you can go shopping. Who are we kidding - I never have that much cash on hand. But you get the idea.

- Take notes. Writing down the important concepts presented in class will help you remember and retain those concepts. Oh, and "text messaging" in class doesn't qualify as taking notes. And bring paper to class. There won't be enough room on your hand.

- Ask questions. Well, ask good questions of your professors. For example, a good question might be "How does Freudian theory compare to the behavioral model?" A bad question might be "What did you just say?","Do you have a pen I can borrow", or "Will we be tested on this material?".

- Ask for help. I know I've probably conditioned you not to ask for help, in that every time you asked your Dad to help you with school work, it eventually resulted in a lot of tears and hurt feelings. And sometimes you'd cry, too. But college is different. Your teaching assistants and professors will usually want you to learn. And they reallly don't want you to cry.


Some final thoughts. Your mother and I will always love you and want to help you, no matter what. Even though we're 3 hours away, we will do our best to support you, both emotionally and financially. But do please budget carefully. That way you'll avoid the temptation to earn unholy amounts of money with your laptop webcam. I don't want to "accidentally" find you on the internet.

One last thing. When you were a toddler, you would often get up in the middle of the night, and come to our room and get into our bed. Your mother and I would sometimes have to lock our bedroom door in order to have some "alone" time together, and you'd fall asleep on the floor outside of our door. Now, my point isn't to unsettle or warp you*, but to let you know you're always welcome to come home and visit us from college - just call before you get here.

Love always,

Dad


If you're looking for fully accredited humor, try Humor-blogs


* well, we don't want to warp you any more than we already have

Ice Road Truckers

If you watch the History channel, you're probably accustomed to their usual programming fare, such as "UFOs and the Children's Crusades" or "Old West Wombats". A recent addition is "Ice Road Truckers", which debuted about a year ago.

I've seen a few episodes, and the premise of the show is pretty straightforward : burly men clad in flannel and above-average facial hair attempt to haul huge loads on 18-wheelers, across a road which until the not-too-distant past was actually a fluid. Because they're so far north in Canada that even Canadians will actually "dress for the weather", the "lake" is a frozen ice road, which the truckers use to haul loads to an isolated diamond mine. Apparently, the company that owns the mine chose this desolate location to avoid wanton looting.

I really enjoyed Ice Road Truckers the first few times I watched it, but after a while you realize that the plot lines are somewhat limited :

- truckers are driving huge trucks on ice

Hence the title, Ice Road Truckers

- it's really really cold up there

Uh, yeah, that's what turns the lake into an ice road

- driving over the ice road is risky

Sure, driving a truck on ice sounds as terrifying as taking Courtney Love to Planned Parenthood, but not one truck ever falls through the ice*. As for the Polar Bears, keep your friggin' truck doors closed

- because it's colder than the outer reaches of our solar system, things often break down and "go mechanical"

It's called 'entropy'. Right now my car needs an alignment and windshield repair. It wouldn't be that much more interesting up in Canada.

- the truckers are under pressure and on tight schedule, but they get paid a lot to do this

We understand that when they get to the mine, they are allowed to reach into a bucket filled with diamonds, and pull out a single handful to keep. For some reason, this is never shown on television.

You can mix and match those plot lines and come up with about 2 or 3 good episodes, but it quickly becomes repetitious. They try to spice it up a bit by making a sort of competition of the truckers' load counts. I suppose if you're making drunken wagers in Vegas or a roadhouse in Wyoming, then you might be able to glean a bit of entertainment from the load count contest. However, it would get really interesting if they made the loser drive over the road in April. In just his underwear. With raw meat tied to the bumpers. I think we're talking some serious pay-per-view audiences here.

I don't want to rip on the show too much, but there are actually several hazards that I must face on my daily drive that the Ice Road Truckers don't have to worry about. Other drivers. Cell phones. Happy hour. Drivers that have been driving for a total of 2 weeks. Drivers that have been driving for 78 years. Suicidal deer. The Asian lady that drives that minivan who has no clue how to merge and who drives 25 in the left lane and NEVER uses her turn signal but will hit her brakes randomly even while going through green lights. I'm starting to think that driving a huge truck on an isolated ice road might actually take me to a sort of Zen level of calm.

If you really want to see some dangerous roads, just visit any major metropolitan area in Texas during (or immediately after) an ice storm. It doesn't get Yellowknife cold, but you put a layer of ice 1/128th of an inch thick on Texas highways, and auto pinball ensues. Physics isn't mandatory in Texas public schools, so the concepts of friction, inertia and force are an enigma to most Texas drivers. As a result, all of the wrecked and abandoned cars in the ditches, on the shoulders, and even in the middle of the road will convince you that The Rapture** is upon us. Of course this doesn't last long, because it warms up within a day or two. But the next time we get an ice storm here, I'll make my own documentary of the sad and pathetic driving skills prevalent in the Lone Star State. I'll call it [Taunt Vortex warning: F-bomb imminent] "Ice Road Fuckers".

I have a "mature audience" warning for my blog over at Humor-blogs. That should be fuckin' obvious.

* Well, that we see on TV. And that's what counts.

** In case of Rapture, leave those emergency flashers on.

Job Interview Do's and Don'ts, The Sequel

Did you read Job Interview Do's and Don'ts (part 1)? Of course you didn't, or you'd be at work, instead of slacking off reading humor blogs. Luckily for you, there's a sequel. So dust off your briefcase, update your resume, read this post (and perhaps part 1), and when you show up for that job interview, they will wonder why the hell you brought a briefcase to Taco Bell.

It's always good to know a little something about your prospective place of employment so that a). you don't look like a total imbecile at the job interview, and b). if by some lotto-esque odds you are actually hired, you'll know ahead of time if the job is really appropriate for you.

Some examples. Let's say you've got a couple of road rage convictions and a urinary tract infection that makes you have to pee every 20 minutes. It would just be a waste of your time to apply for that job as a long-haul trucker, taxi driver, or neurosurgeon*. Or perhaps you've got narcolepsy, and/or flashing lights trigger your seizures. That interview for the air traffic controller position will be disappointing for you, and may create a "Depends" moment for your interviewer.

Even for basic entry-level jobs, it's vital to know the basics of what will be involved. If you're a lifeguard, you're most likely going to have to work outdoors. If you're a customer service rep, then any empathy you may have is just going to be extra baggage. And if you can read a calendar and are conscientious about punctuality, you'll probably feel the need to blow your brains out after your first week as the cable repair technician.

Ok, I sense you're skeptical. But who has the job here, huh? I do. So just sit down and listen to a real-life scenario. My wife is the assistant manager for a coffeehouse/cafe/bar, and so she's often in the position of interviewing prospective employees. Lucky her. This place is open from 7 a.m. until 2 a.m. . That information isn't a State secret, and if you call the coffeehouse/cafe/bar they will tell you what the hours are. Except for Tim. He'll fuckin' lie to your face.

So, my wife is interviewing a 20-something woman who's applied to be a waitress. The subject of shifts comes up, and the interviewee asks what (assuming that she's hired) hours she would be working. She's told that she'd sometimes have to work the 7 pm to 2 am shift.

The interviewee then becomes visibly distressed, and starts banging her head on the table. When she's done banging (which isn't right away), she then tells my wife that she doesn't think that she could possibly work until 2 am. The interviewee (let's call her Amy Vinemouse) explains that she's been clean and sober for over 2 years, but she's worried that working that kind of schedule would make her start drinking again.

Well, Amy, perhaps working in a coffeehouse/cafe/bar isn't the best career choice for you. But, you seem to handle stress well. Perhaps a job as an air traffic controller - day shift only, of course, might be better for you?

So, let's add two more guidelines to the "Taunt Vortex Job Interview Do's and Don'ts".

1). do not bang your head against solid objects** (i.e., tables, desktops, other interviewees)

2). perhaps we didn't make it clear enough in Part 1 of this essay, but do not provide your prospective employer with a detailed list of your moral failings, addictions, and past or present criminal activity, unless you are specifically asked to do so.

Seriously though, if these two things weren't really obvious to you to begin with, we're not so sure that this information will really make you "employee material". Take heart. There will always be a place for you in the fast-growing homeless industry.

I've applied for a job over at Humor-blogs, but I haven't heard anything back yet.

* but maybe you should be on antibiotics

** possible exception to this rule if you happen to be interviewing for the position of bassist in a metal band

Governor Supports Heat for Teachers

In a move that should really come as no surprise to anyone who's ever heard of the state of Texas, Governor Rick (rhymes with "dick") Perry indicated today that he supports a Texas school district's decision to allow teachers to carry guns.


The Harrold Independent School District approved a policy that allows employees to carry concealed weapons. Citing the impracticality of crossbows, and the "pussy factor" of hand-held tasers, Superintendent Randy "Buck" Threatt said that "small firearms were the logical choice".


Threatt has stated that the small rural district is a 30 minute drive from the sheriff's office, leaving students and teachers vulnerable. "Sick bastards invade public schools all the time," Superintendent Threatt elaborated. "And I'd just be tickled pink if, for example, Mrs. Throckmorton in the math department could whip out her Glock 19, drop an intruder at 30 feet, and then get back to explaining exponents and whatnot without missing a beat."


The move violates no state laws, since Texas law bans firearms on school campuses "unless pursuant to the written regulations or written authorization of the institution". Texas legal experts point out that the district's rules state that "employees" will be permitted to carry concealed weapons. This allows not only classroom teachers to carry guns, but also the cross-eyed janitor who sometimes forgets to zip as well as the chain-smoking cafeteria lady who's held a grudge against administrators for over 17 years.

One anonymous teacher, speaking from the campus of Chuck Norris middle school, voiced her concerns about the new policy. "I've got a palsy real bad," said Abigail Ward. "And if I've got to get off a few rounds at an intruder , I might accidentally shoot that rascal Rowdy Burkitt. Then some might think that I'd shot Rowdy on purpose. Heaven forbid."


Sheriff Bart Tomlinson from the county sheriff's department seemed pleased with the school's decision. "Sure, we hate to miss out on gunplay. But the teachers have a great advantage in being able to ice some retard or whack job without having to worry about some ridiculous civil rights violations." Sheriff Tomlinson has also volunteered to teach the Harrold School District employees gun safety, just as soon as he's done with his ongoing 12-step program.



Governor Perry, who's basking in the afterglow of his recent 3rd place finish in the regional Mitt Romney look-alike contest, supported the school district's decision, citing lack of other reasonable options. "And this is just the first step," Perry continued, "to our eventual goal of mandatory firearm possession for all Texans over the age of 16...who aren't retards or whack jobs." Governor Perry mentioned other advantages of the new policy. "A couple of shots fired into the air will get the attention of even the most unruly middle school class. Plus, you're never without a starting gun at school track meets."

Perry reminded parents that the Texas "tax free weekend" is coming up, so they can make back-to-school purchases without the usual state sales taxes. "So, kids, get your backpacks, notebooks, pencils - and a box of ammo for your teacher."

Every time I try to log in at Humor-blogs, the metal detector goes off.

FICOnalysis - a PSA

We here at the Taunt Vortex strive to educate, and occasionally humor, our devoted reader(s). With that in mind, we present a thorough* analysis of FICO, the oft used credit scoring system. This may be helpful to those looking to buy a home in the near future. If you're already facing foreclosure, look for our upcoming post "Gutting Your Dream Home for Ebay Profits".

FICO is an anagram of the company that developed it, the Fair Isaac Corporation. Don't confuse this with the Grossly Unfair Craig Company, Inc. (GUCCI), which developed a system of incompetent customer service, and was eventually bought out by my bank**. Basically, credit companies (including mortgage lenders) use the FICO score to determine the chances that a borrower won't repay a loan. Recently, it has been publicized that others may also be looking at your FICO score, such as your auto insurance carrier, your creepy landlord, and that guy who has been E-stalking you since your sophomore year at Clemson.

The FICO score ranges from a possible 300 to 850 points. Originally, the Fair Isaac Corporation had planned on a range of 0 to 550. However, this was changed due to protests from lame mental health professionals, who claimed that labeling borrowers with a "zero" credit score would do irreparable damage to their self-esteem. Despite the mystery surrounding FICO scores, our investigative reporting team at the Taunt Vortex was able to uncover a few facts about how scores are calculated :

- Payment history comprises 35%. This is fairly self-explanatory. If you've paid your bills in the past, you're more likely to pay them in the future. Truly a Eureka! moment on the part of some Fair Isaac employee, wouldn't you say?

- Amount owed comprises 30%. When comparing two borrowers with similar incomes, the one whose debt is the GDP of Canada is less like to repay than the average American, whose debt is roughly the GDP of Zimbabwe.

- Length of Credit History, 15%. Now, I can see how a borrower who has repaid debt reliably for many years might be a good risk. On the other hand, I'm thinking of my 97-year-old great Aunt Rhoda, who can't tell you what day it is and talks to her slippers. Our advice to Countrywide: don't give her a 30 year ARM.

- New credit, 10%. Financial institutions, by federal law, must have at least some rules and regulations that are completely contradictory. Hence, the "New Credit" component of your credit score, even though we just said payment history and length of credit history were important. If you're young, you've encountered this Catch-22. You can't borrow money because you don't have a credit history, but you can't have a credit history until you borrow some money. Welcome to America!

- Types of Credit comprises 10%. Vinny may tell you that those payments you're making every week in the back of the pool hall help your credit score just as much as those car payment you're supposed to make - but they don't.

If you add all of the factors, you get 100%, but the Fair Isaac Corporation uses complicated mathematical models, resulting in other components that when totaled, give you 110%. Details of this extra 10% are proprietary knowledge. Federal Law prohibits credit scoring models that discriminate on the basis of race, religion, or sex. However, be warned that if you've ever lived in Idaho, purchased a Michael Bolton CD, or made your fiance cry in public, your FICO score will suffer.

One last point. The Fair Isaac Co. reports that the median FICO score in the U.S. is 723. Because of complex mathematics (used mostly to predict stock prices and weather on Saturn), almost everyone you ask will have a FICO score less than 723. This just adds to the mystery of the FICO score.

We hope this has been helpful. Feel free to make a copy of this post, and take it with you the next time you go to your bank for a loan. They will know that you have "special knowledge", and will treat you like a very special customer.

Been turned down for a loan? Cheer up and read Humor-blogs.

* by "thorough", we mean that we looked most of this up on Wikipedia

** due to ongoing litigation, I can't name my bank, but let's just say it rhymes with "pompous".

Vespanalysis

With the recent crazy-high gas prices lately, anyone who isn't bedridden is looking for alternative ways of moving their bodies about the face of the earth.

My son, being not bedridden, is one of those people. He drives a VW Rabbit, which gets pretty fair gas mileage. And the little Rabbit logo on the back is waayy cute. But despite this, recent surges in gas prices prompted him to consider buying a Vespa scooter.

Vespa is an Italian company that's been making scooters for over 60 years. The company is named after the Roman Emperor Vespasian, who was famous for making high pitched whining sounds with his mouth as he strode about the streets of Rome. Until recently, you may not have seen or noticed these scooters on our streets here in the U.S. That's because until the Bush administration, we have favored large vehicles, with four wheels, and scooter-sized fuel tanks that produce a constant sucking sound you can actually hear if you stand close enough.

Living in Austin, and often driving in the more urban parts of the city, I've seen an increase in the number of people riding scooters. However, until recently, the only place I could recall seeing Vespas was in romantic comedy films. Think back, and you'll realize that in almost every romantic comedy of the last 50 years, there is at least one scene with the couple in love, tooling about the streets of Paris, New York, London, Rome, or Antwerp*. This is because the Vespa company actually had a contract with Hollywood that required every major studio to include at least one "scooter" scene in every romantic comedy. Apparently the contract ran out in the late 80's, when all romantic comedies where then required to include either Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts.

Taking a closer look at the Vespa scooter, you'll see that it's not a bad looking vehicle. They have two wheels, a seat, handlebars - and where you'd expect to see an engine on a motorcycle, on the scooter there's just a big empty space. That explains the exceptional gas mileage. If you ride a motorcycle, you're immediately pegged as being a reckless, risk-taking, irresponsible asswipe**. With the Vespa, you're just a hip guy/gal who's concerned about carbon footprints and traffic congestion. Vespas are somewhat limited in that they are not as fast as motorcycles, but this decreases the chances that you'll have doctors in the emergency room trying to decide what your Glasgow Coma Scale is. ***

No, Vespas aren't for everyone. Women can ride them, comfortable knowing that they look cute, whimsical, charming, socially conscious, or all of the above. My son is 20 years old, 6'4", with tattoos, and girls think he's cute. He could easily pull off the scooter-riding thing. I'm 46 and losing my hair. You'd see me on a scooter and think "Poor loser. Got his house foreclosed and his car repo'd". So, check with your local Vespa dealer to see if one is right for you. If you step into the dealership, and the first thing you see is a salesman looking at you, frowning and slowing shaking his head at you, just quietly turn around and walk back to your Lexus.

Diesel runs thing over at Humor-blogs, but we've heard rumors that his previous nickname was "scooter".

* This is really the name of a city in Europe. Crazy.

** Please, no comments from bikers. That's not me saying that. It's the 70 year old woman with huge glasses driving the Buick LeSabre

*** As I'm writing this, my Glasgow Coma Scale is 12

Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll - and Lame (or Limp) Advertising

That's Keith Richards, lead guitarist for the Rolling Stones. He's not what most primates would consider sexy (we'll get to the sex part later), but if anyone personifies "drugs and Rock & Roll", it's Keith. Keith and drugs go together like Elton and bitchy tantrums.


There's a long history of rock musicians using and abusing drugs, and so it's only natural that the subject (or the imagery) of drugs finds its way into their music. Obvious examples are "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", "Purple Haze", and "Cocaine". Not-so-obvious examples are "Muskrat Love", "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", and "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia".

Drug references in music usually don't bother us here at the Vortex, that is, until recently. But I sat* aghast as I watched a band of 5 or 6 roughly middle aged musicians singing the virtues (with enthusiasm) of a legal prescription drug. Viva, Viagra! Yeah, they hijacked a perfectly good Elvis song to sing about the little blue pill, and they're doing it in a studio, late at night, with women conspicuously absent. And they seem to be singing with unbridled zeal, while giving each other knowing glances and smiles. Quite disturbing. And it sort of makes me nostalgic for musicians with heroin overdoses and perforated nasal septums.


We're hoping, and praying (and even putting little ribbons on our cars) that this is an advertising trend that will go limp quickly. But if they tortured an Elvis song in the name of erectile dysfunction, I'm pretty sure that we can expect more television watching awkwardness from Madison Avenue. Here are just a few examples of what we might expect to see :


- a version of AC/DC's version of "You Shook me All Night Long" promoting a drug for that ever- enlarging prostate


- "Twist and Shout" by the Beatles, used to advertise and anti-seizure medication. "Shake it Up" by The Cars might work too.


- The Beach Boys "I Get Around" used to sell Valtrex (That's for herpes. Yeah, like you didn't know.)


- Sting might allow "Every Breath You Take" to be licensed to promote Advair for asthma. He's consistently made the list of "Top 20 Capitalists In Rock Music" for the last 20 years.


- there are boatloads of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications on the market. Certainly "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd might be used in an ad. But if you listen to "The Wall" or "Dark Side of the Moon", it will counteract the anti-depressant. But your pharmacists will remind you.



- "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is gonna show up in an ad for a drug for yeast infections. Sure, it's distasteful, but advertising execs have zero shame, and Courtney Love (whose shame rating is actually a large negative number) will need the money.



Ok, I'm done. Later I'll probably listen to some Doors, or maybe Janis Joplin, and look for some mild-altering substance that will dissociate the image of wrinkly septuagenarian** penises from the images of Las Vegas and Elvis.

If you're suffering from Humor Dysfunction, I've got the cure, and the cure is more Humor-blogs.

* Ok, I confess. I wasn't really sitting. I was laying in bed eating Cool Ranch Doritos.

** Not a kind of dinosaur

Poop Art

Paul McCarthy* is renowned for his giant (titillating pause here) inflatable sculptures. And by "renowned", we mean "ridiculed mercilessly behind his back by strangers across the globe".

We don't claim to be artists here at the Taunt Vortex (well, not until the last paragraph), but half the fun of having a humor blog is criticizing things that we know very, very little about. It's our uneducated opinion that anything that could have ropes tied to it and be floated through the streets of New York City at Thanksgiving ( along with Garfield and Underdog) probably isn't art. However, for the remainder of this post, we'll adopt a temporary suspension of disbelief while we discuss Mr. McCarthy's (ahem)...art.

One of McCarthy's works entitled "Complex Shit" recently made the news. It's our belief that the photo above is of "Complex Shit". However, another source is adamant that this is a photo of mud-laden hippos engaging in some sort of homoerotic ritual on a nicely manicured lawn. This sculpture apparently consists of multiple large brown inflatable balloons that are tethered and tied together. Perhaps the artist was being ironic with the title, because we're hard pressed to find anything "complex" about it. Seriously, complex is trying to get a sub-contractor to come repair your floors on a weekend. Complex is attempting to convince your girlfriend that all that glitter came from "arts & crafts" day at work. Complex is...well, you get the idea.

This sculpture was moored at a Swiss museum, and apparently a strong wind pulled it from its moorings.** It was then carried over 200 metres (that's like 17 miles here in the United States) until it took down an electrical line, and then crashed into a greenhouse, breaking a window.

OH, the humanity!!!

Supposedly, the sculpture was equipped with an automatic safety device which was to deflate it in case of a storm. Seriously. Ok, maybe "complex shit" refers to the automatic safety device, and not to the sculpture itself. I wonder if Van Gogh ever considered mounting some sort of airbag system to "Sunflowers".

According to one news source, the wayward turd has been recovered and returned to the museum, where it will continue to be displayed until October. Probably outside, weather permitting. And for those brave enough to venture inside of the museum, look for a painting by yours truly. It's a watercolor rendering of 5 muddy hippopotamuses engaged in a Romanesque orgy on the ninth green at Augusta. I'm thinking of calling it "The Artist has a Complex".

If inflatable art makes you laugh, you'll love Humor-blogs


* I know what you're thinking, and no, we don't have a lisp and we're not discussing the cute Beatle.

** Hint to Mr. McCarthy : it's a sign from God.

Book Fair - Or At Least Above Average, Part II

Taunt Vortex now reviews the final 5 books from AOL's list of "10 Books to Read Before You Die". This list happens to be just another list in the long line of well-respected AOL-produced lists, such as "10 Veggies to Avoid if You're the Office Pariah", "12 Cars to Consider Buying if Your Child Has a Seizure Disorder", and "Top 10 Home Remedies That Use Only Epsom Salt, Rope, and Sterno".

Taunt Vortex highly recommends reading Part I of this series first. But you probably won't, right? I bet you've already lost your syllabus, and aren't even aware of the pop-quiz policy. So don't read Part I and get up to speed, what do we care?

To Kill a Mockingbird - if you haven't read this, then you've somehow managed to avoid attending public school in the United States. And if you haven't read it and plan to, be aware that it's a novel, not a how-to manual. The original movie version came out in 1962, so it's in black-and-white. If you'd like to see a more up-to-date color version, just rent the movie by John Grisham, A Time to Kill a Mockingbird.

Angels & Demons - yeah, we've never heard of this one either. Apparently it's written by Dan Brown, the guy who wrote the Da Vinci Code, and that's how he somehow weaseled his way onto this illustrious list (see Book Fair, Part I. See, you really should have read Part I first). The AOL article introduces the plot as "When a canister of anti-matter is stolen from a Swiss research facility, Robert Langdon is called in to investigate". Suffice it to say that the only books that should use anti-matter as props should also have phasers, Klingons and scantily clad aliens.

Atlas Shrugged - this 1200 page tome from Ayn Rand is considered her magnum opus (large penguin). In this novel, Rand presents her philosophy of the morality of "rational self-interest". If you have oodles of rational self interest, and if you're in high school or college and are the brooding intellectual type, then you'll want to have this conspicuously placed on your desk or coffee table. It's way too heavy to carry around though (with your spindly little arms and all), but you can substitute The Stranger by Camus, which weighs in at only 117 pages. Also, be sure to check out the sequels : Atlas Stretched, Atlas Yawned, and Atlas Settled Down with a Nice Girl in the 'Burbs.

Catcher in the Rye - Not a prequel to Field of Dreams. This is the classic coming-of-age novel , which has become a cult favorite. And by cult, we mean that small group of unstable white American males who assassinate others.* This was authored by J.D. Salinger, who has managed to become more famous by being a recluse than he ever would have become simply by publishing a book every couple of years. Kenny G, take note.

The Holy Bible - intrigue, suspense, murder, prostitutes, plagues, virgin births...the Bible has it all. It's comprised of the Old Testament, and its sequel, The New Testament. If you're into action/adventure, and prefer a God who's vengeful, omnipotent, and a bit scary, then you'll love the Old Testament. If you prefer drama with more character development, or "buddy" movies where the main character has 12 friends, then stick to the New Testament. Bible fans do expect a sequel to the New Testament, but have been waiting a George Lucas-esque amount of time for that particular production. Rumor has it that "Rapture" will be in the title, but other details are sketchy.

No one can argue the influence of the Bible, and it has certainly been the cause of more arguments, battles, and guilt-ridden sex lives than any other book on this list. Yeah, even more than Harry Potter. IF you do choose to read it cover to cover, do yourself a favor and skip the genealogy parts. Oh, and the psalms are great if you're attention span challenged.

As a final note, over the years the Bible has also consistently made the list of "Top 10 Books to Carry in Coach if You Want Others to Avoid You Like You've Got Ebola". So, just be forewarned.

Well, that's the Taunt Vortex review of AOL's "10 Books to Read Before You Die". Rumor has it that we can look forward to more gems from AOL, like "8 Novellas to Read Before Menopause" and "20 Epic Poems to Read Before Your Bat Mitzvah". And as a final reminder, if you're seriously into lists, do visit Humor-blogs .

* We're not kidding. Google it.

Book Fair - Or At Least Above Average, Part I

I came across an article on AOL entitled "10 Books to Read Before you Die". It sounded pretty urgent, and my first thoughts were "Do they know something I don't? Perhaps I should get my PSA* checked."

It turned out to be sort of an interesting article, and by "interesting" I mean "how in the bejeebus did they come up with this list?" That question was answered, in very small font, at the bottom of the last page of the article. In short, the list was derived from the results of a Harris poll of 2,413 U.S. adults, who were asked what their favorite book was. What that told me is that the article shouldn't have been called "10 Books to Read Before You Die". But no one would have read "A Statistical Summary of Middle Class American Mediocrity and Ennui".

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the books on this list are bad books. But if your English Lit final consisted of "List the 10 Books You Should Read Before You Die", and you submitted this list of 10 books, not only would you fail the English Lit final, but they would give you a "D" in psych and make you repeat intramural volleyball. Not to belabor the point, but it's a bit like assuming that the best selling cars in America are the best cars in America. But if you're ga-ga over your Corolla or you'd never dream of parting with your F-150 with the peeing Calvin sticker on the back window, then you may want to copy this list and tape it to your fridge.

With that in mind, I thought that it would be a hoot to review this list. It's a two-parter, so we'll just cover the first 5 in this post:

Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell's classic set during the Civil War actually won a Pulitzer Prize. I would read it, but it is over 1000 pages long. Fortunately for us, not only is it available in Cliff Notes, but it's available in DVD format. Anyways, not to be a spoiler, but I know how it ends. NASCAR becomes popular and Atlanta traffic sucks.

Lord of the Rings - this epic fantasy novel isn't really one book, it's a trilogy (Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, Return of the King) which means you're in for waayy more reading that you had planned. And when you finish those, you'll start receiving a different J.R.R. Tolkien novel in the mail every month. I actually read The Hobbit, and got a pretty good start on Fellowship of the Ring when I was in high school. But the girl who introduced me to these works then introduced me to heavy petting, which drastically diminished my interest in fantasy novels. If you must read a book with the word "Lord" in the title, the Taunt Vortex recommends Lord of the Flies. It's shorter, and you won't have to endure the "dungeons and dragons" jokes.

Harry Potter - A fantasy novel. With sequels. By a British author. Anyone see a trend here? Admittedly, I haven't read Harry Potter. But I did see the movie, and I found it to be entertaining. Then again, I was on a 16-hour flight at the time, so even Xanadu ** would have entertained me.

The Stand - A Steven King novel from 1978. According to the article The Stand is "a gripping work with the scope and moral complexity of a true epic". Sounds a lot like Christine to me.

The Da Vinci Code - this controversial murder/mystery thriller was published in 2003. It has been criticized by the Catholic Church as a "dishonest attack"*** on the church, as well as being fraught with historical inaccuracies. The Catholic Church hasn't actually read The DaVinci Code yet, as they keep looking for it in the non-fiction section at Borders. According to the novel, Mary Magdalene was actually the wife of Christ, and bore him a child. This bloodline has been kept secret by the Knights Templar, but can be traced forward to a small engine mechanic in Knoxville. The Da Vinci Code made it to theaters, but if you're looking for the Holy Grail in your entertainment, Taunt Vortex recommends the Monty Python movie.

Check back for Book Fair, Part II. Sure, it's like a sequel, but there won't be a movie.

* Not the airline

** Xanadu, the dreadful Olivia Newton-John movie from the 80's, not the Samuel Taylor Coleridge novel from high school

*** Here at the Taunt Vortex, we endorse only honest attacks on the church

If you're seriously into lists we highly recommend Humor-blogs.

Olympian Deviancy

Taunt Vortex warning: the following post contains mature subject matter. Oh, but there's a silly photo that you can show the kids.


In a recent news story out of Hong Kong, a "lonely and disturbed" man called police from the LanTian park in the middle of the night. We will cal this man Xing, because that's the name given in the news release.

So why did Xing call the police from the park, in the middle of the night, in a panic? Was he getting mugged? Uh, no. Did he lose a small child? Still, no. We will probably never know the entire story. Perhaps the phase of the moon was just right, or perhaps his IPod shuffle just happened to land on a Barry White song, but at some point Xing became amorous enough to notice a fetching little steel sit-up bench in the park.


According to the news story, this steel sit-up bench had numerous "small holes" in it. It's unclear as to whether dinner was involved, or even clumsy foreplay, but Xing eventually found himself on top of this steel bench with his penis in one of the "small holes". ("Small" just adds insult to injury. Oh, wait, we're not to the injury part yet). Now, you would think that laying on top of a cold, hard, steel bench that resembles a cheese grater would not actually arouse the average male. But Xing, being beyond average, managed to get aroused enough so that his penis became entrapped within his shiny new lover.


Hence, the panic. And the call to police. I think a visual is in order now :






Rescuers were able to suppress laughter enough to attempt to separate Xing from the bench, but to no avail.

They were forced to cut the entire bench free and transport it and Xing to the hospital. Once there, specialists from the Department of Urology and Playground Equipment were able to separate Xing from his impromptu "date".

Just a few parting comments and observations from the staff here at the Taunt Vortex. (Ok, ok, we've already established that there's really no staff. Just me. But just go with it.)



- What, exactly, is that article of red clothing on his back? Was Xing covered by rescue workers in order to save some embarrassment? Or does Xing have a "Little Red Riding Hood" fetish that's going unreported?

- You've noticed how small those bench holes are too, haven't you?!

- Apparently, Xing had a cell phone which he used to call police. Lucky for him. But I seriously doubt he'll be getting any product endorsement offers from Verizon, or even T-Mobile.

- You'll never hear the terms "bench press" or "getting benched" again and not think of this.

- I wonder if Xing and the bench are talking yet.

Visit Humor-blogs. They really know how to work the teeter-totter

McConaughey on Fatherhood

I have nothing against Matt McConaughey. He's a celebrity. As you can see from his photo*, he's a good-looking guy. He's an actor. I won't pass judgment on his acting chops, but I'll just say that I really like him in...uh, well...ummm, well, let's just say we won't pass judgment on his acting chops.

So why post about Matt here at the Taunt Vortex. It seems that Matt gave an interview for Dr. Sanjay Gupta's "House Calls" where he discusses fatherhood. For the record, Dr. Gupta is a real doctor, but just try to get an appointment with him when your glands are swollen. Tough cookies. He's in makeup. And just why is he interviewing McConaughey about fatherhood? Did he run out of scary diseases to talk about??

I'm sure Matt is still basking in the afterglow of newly acquired fatherhood, and he wants to tell his story from the perspective of a celebrity. But...the kid was born a little over a month ago. Let's compare. I have three children, ages 18, almost 20 and 21 - years! I won't make you do the math in your head (like you could), but Matt has about 1 month of fatherhood experience. I have 714 months of fatherhood experience. But he gets the interview. Hey, I took a tour of NASA when I was 8 years old. Can I give you that astronaut interview now?

Ok, I get it. He's a celebrity, so it will really boost Dr. Gupta's ratings. According to the CNN article about the interview, McConaughey's personal motto is "just keep living". That makes my personal motto of "breathe in, breathe out" look pretty sucky. But as you'll see, I still rule when it comes to fatherhood experience.

According to CNN, Matt and his girlfriend took Levi (that's the baby) to a John Mellencamp show, to get him used to sights, sounds and people. It's just a hunch, but to me it sounds like they had a last-minute babysitter cancellation. Anyway, I can top that. My wife and I saw Paul McCartney live when my wife was 7 months pregnant with my daughter. She even stood on her chair during "Hey Jude". I'm so proud. To this day my daughter gets headaches when she hears "Eleanor Rigby".

Apparently, Matt is jumping into this fatherhood gig with both feet, so to speak. He was present at Levi's birth. I've done that, x 3. Matt kept the placenta, and plans to plant it in an orchard, "inspired" by an Aboriginal custom. I was inspired by the North American custom of letting the hospital keep the placenta and incinerating it at their convenience. Again, three times. Lastly, Matt claims that changing diapers is "not a bid deal". Again, he's only done this for a month. Right now, the baby poo has the volume of a couple of thimbles. Trust me on this Matt, as the kid grows, so does the poo volume.

In fact, there will come a time when it will most likely be so voluminous and runny that it will actually spill out of the diaper, pooling in the bottom of the baby car-seat, while you and your wife (girlfriend) are in the front seat, gagging and with eyes filling with tears, because you're on the Interstate in the middle of nowhere South Carolina with no place to pull over, and when you finally find a place to pull over, it's an abandoned gas station with a dumpster that sends forth a swarm of flies when you open that back car door to change that diaper and mop the poo out of the baby seat, and when you've finished you grab that dirty dripping diaper and make your way to the dumpster, fighting off the flies much like a scene from "The Ten Commandments", and you finally make your way back to the car, slamming the doors shut, but the foul odor and more than a few flies tag along for the trip until you eventually get to Virginia.

Wow. Sorry about the parenting flashback there.

Not to beat a dead celebrity, but I have still more interesting experiences on my fatherhood resume. Like finding a charge to Planned Parenthood on your debit card account, knowing full well that your wife had her tubes tied years ago. Or passing a Deputy on the highway who happens to have your two sons pulled over, at the same time, in their two separate cars. Or finding out your daughter drove into a fire hydrant, going backwards. Fortunately, in that last example, there was no resulting fire hydrant geyser that you usually see in the movies or a Friz Freleng cartoon.

The good fatherhood experiences have far outweighed the unpleasant/frustrating/exasperating ones, and I've been fortunate to have ended up with three wonderful (now adult, more or less) children. But the unpleasant/frustrating/exasperating experiences are usually the most humorous in retrospect. I'm really looking forward to Mr. McConaughey's interview on fatherhood in about 18 to 20 years.

*this happens to be a rare unretouched photo of Matt McConaughey, one of only a few in existence where he is not seen shirtless

Your dad wants you to visit Humor-blogs

Early a.m. Breakfast

My wife and son worked late, so I planned to meet them for breakfast after they got off from work, around 3:30 a.m. While I was waiting for them in the restaurant waiting area, they played songs by Shania Twain, Billy Joel and Chuck Mangione on the overhead speakers. Yeah, you guessed it...I was at IHOP.

Just some random observations during this way-too-early morning experience :

- While I was waiting, no fewer than three different IHOP employees asked me if I needed anything. I've seen patients in the Intensive Care Unit that didn't get that much attention.

- Our waiter appeared to be the "Dwight Schrute" of this particular IHOP. He had an exceptional grasp of the menu, but avoided eye contact like the plague. * **

- My son had the steak & eggs, and so a bottle of A1 just happened to be brought to our table. I've never noticed this before, but on the back of the A1 label, it says something like "Now is not the time for conversation!" with a little drawing of a couple chowing down on steak. I guess "STFU, I'm eating!" would have been a little too edgy.

- As we were being seated, I noticed a table with about half a dozen of our local SWAT team members having breakfast. My back was to them, so I'm not sure if they were actually having breakfast, or if they were just fulfilling some sort of contractual IHOP stereotype. Admittedly, I've never felt more secure while eating a Ham & Egg Melt.

- While in the waiting area, I overhead a waiter (from about 25 feet away) approach some customers in a booth, saying "I couldn't help eavesdropping...". I couldn't really hear the rest of the conversation, but I got to thinking, if eavesdropping is socially unacceptable, is eavesdropping on an eavesdropper socially acceptable, like two negatives make a positive? Discuss.

We finished our early morning breakfast, I tipped "Dwight" more than 20%, and we went home to get some sleep.

• * I think "avoid like the plague" is one idiom that should be updated. I realize that the plague killed millions during the middle ages, but I've never personally known anyone who contracted the plague, much less died from it. I recommend that we replace "plague" in this saying with "herpes", "chronic depression", or "erectile dysfunction". If you, as a thoughtful reader, have other recommendations, feel free to comment.
• ** We're wondering if using the word "plague" multiple times (there it is again) in this post will put the Taunt Vortex on some sort of Homeland Security database...and it's only our second day!

Job Interview Do's and Don'ts

If you're reading this blog, there's a fair chance that you don't have a job. If you do have a job, or if perchance you've had one at some time in the past, then you may be familiar with the job interview.




The typical model of the job interview consists of a business owner, manager, or supervisor of some sort (the interviewer), and the prospective employee (the interviewee). By convention, the interviewer asks questions, and the interviewee answers them to the best of his/her ability. The interviewer strives to ask pertinent, appropriate questions, and the interviewee attempts to answer these questions honestly without sweating profusely or weeping openly. I don't want to insult your intelligence (I'll usually let you know beforehand), but there are some generally accepted job interview rules that will improve your chances of getting hired. Here's one example of some practical job interview rules : Interviewing Dos and Don'ts. Don't worry, there won't be a quiz later, but if you don't have a job you may want to take notes.



With that in mind, I give you a Taunt Vortex true story, complete with editor's comments in Italics
.

My wife is an assistant manager at a local cafe/coffeehouse/bar. Recently, she happened to be in the room while the manager was interviewing a young man (mid- to late- 20s) for a job in the kitchen. In true interviewer form, the manager asked the young man about his past work history. He starts off with his first job (around age 14?) and proceeds to plod through his illustrious employment history, job by tedious job.

Why YES, that lawn mowing job you had when you were 15 is relevant to this position. Please elaborate!

The manager, to her credit, manages to listen to this without splitting his skull with a heavy kitchen utensil, until the interviewee finally pauses and says "Do you smoke?".

"I do, but the assistant manager doesn't" replied the manager.

"Weed?" the young man asks.

Asking your prospective employer if they are involved in illegal activities is key to landing that dream job!

"I don't think that's an appropriate question for a job interview."

Awwww, and the interview was going so well!

Fortunately my wife had her back to them, and was only able to contain her laughter at great risk to her internal organs. The interviewee went on to explain how he spent a couple of years without a job, because he was selling pot during that period.

Ok, plus 1 point for honesty. Minus 78 points for voluntarily admitting to a felony. And maybe plus 2 points for entrepreneurship.

"I didn't smoke it," he went on. "I just sold it."


Yeah, that's cool, because selling pot is a lot less illegal than smoking it, right?

My wife stepped out of the room, and called the manager on her cell phone to "remind" her of a meeting. The manager was finally able to extricate herself from the interview, leaving the young man to continue his quest for employment, perhaps with Goldman Sachs or the Department of Homeland Security.


Now, don't get me wrong. We here at TV aren't against the occasional prudent use of marijuana. And if somebody smokes it, then someone has to sell it. And though it may not necessarily be common knowledge, but drug and alcohol use (and addiction) are rampant in the food service industry. I mean, how else would you explain Hell's Kitchen? But good judgment dictates a sort of "don't ask don't tell" policy during the job interview. Trust us, we don't really care or need to know if you smoke pot, park in handicap parking spots, or spend your spare time dressing goats in lingerie. So you'd damned well better not tell us!