Yet Another Atrocious American Product

As I was leaving my bedroom today in the pre-dawn hours, I just happened to notice a TV infomercial featuring a YAAAP (yet another atrocious American product).


My wife and I violate almost all of the rules that you're supposed to follow to get a good night's sleep, and one of them is that we will often leave the television on all night. As a result, I'm usually pretty up on all of the latest infomercial products, such as the ShamWow and the Awesome Auger. I know, I know, it impresses my friends and family, too.


But this morning I was introduced to a truly awful product, one that compels me to warn the faithful Taunt Vortex readers . For most infomercial products, you can pretty much deduce how the product came about by what need or desire it fulfills. For instance, the Ped Egg was obviously the brainchild of a married woman who 1). would retch at the thought of her husband's calloused scaly feet touching her well-pedicured feet while they were together in bed and 2). would retch at the thought of having to actually touch her husband's feet to remedy this problem. So, the PedEgg was invented so hubby could take care of his own damn nasty scaly feet. I'm guessing. It works pretty well, by the way.



Anyways, after watching this new infomercial, I came to the conclusion that there was only a few groups of consumers that would require such a dreadful product. Let's not keep it a secret, but this new product is the Snuggie, which they unabashedly call the "blanket with sleeves".


So just who is this product aimed at?

A. You're a busy working mom (or dad) who really digs the clothes monks and certain cult members wear, but with the job and the Junior League and the PTA and weekend soccer games, you just don't have the time to join yet another fringe group.

B. Your hobbies are calligraphy and painstakingly transcribing scripture, and you need a garment to get you in the right mindset. And you also like the idea of having a complete Halloween costume by simply adding a rope belt and a cross around your neck.

C. You belong to a fraternity and/or you're an alcoholic. You wake up in bed in just your boxers, hungover, with a half eaten bag of Fritos in your bed. You've got to pee like a racehorse, so you climb out of bed, clumsily wrapping the blanket around you in a feeble attempt to ward off the shakes. As you stumble across the floor, your feet and legs get tangled in the blanket, and you go careening headfirst into the TV stand. While you're sitting in the ER getting 28 sutures in your head, you think "Gee, it would be nice to have some sort of blanket with sleeves".

Let's cue the video:





Just a few comments here. This is a family that does not embarrass easily. Can you imagine answering your door wearing one of these? Or attending a sporting event in public? There they are, at 1:04 in the video, cheering on some unseen team while the other spectators keep telling themselves "don't laugh ,oh God don't laugh". Or how about the coed that's wearing one? Between her psychedelic "Peace" poster and the Snuggie, she can pretty much forget about any kind of social life for the next 4 to 6 years. And is it just me, or do those sleeves look like a fire hazard to you? I can't help but imagine that 5 minutes into the marshmallow roast, one of those kids will end up immolated in the back yard.

No, I'm not quite done ripping on this atrocious product. It comes in one size, but 3 colors. The choices of burgundy, sage green and royal blue look like they were pulled straight from a 70's era Sears catalog. Amazingly, they limit you to 6 Snuggies per order. Right now I'm saying a little prayer that I don't actually know 2 people who would wear one of these.

Finally, not only is this an awful product, but did the marketing whiz who came up with the name Snuggie ever hear of the Urban Dictionary?

Snuggie : 1. when your underwear rides of the front
2. a perfectly tight fitting coochie
3. when your pants ride up your ass
4. a severe form of wedgie in which the waistband is pulled over the victim's head

They will probably sell millions of these things.

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