What If ? The Amy Winehouse Makeover

There's no doubt that Amy Winehouse has had a rough decade this year. I've got to admit that until I looked her up on Wikipedia, the only things I knew about her were 1). her song "Rehab" and 2). her large number of personal problems that you need exponents and maps of the galaxy to accurately describe.

We don't want to appear to be "piling on", but for the sake of documentation, we should note that Amy has had issues with drug addiction, health issues (including but not limited to mental health) and an eating disorder. If toy researchers at Mattel were to develop the "anti-Barbie", the result would most likely resemble Amy Winehouse to a frightening degree. We're sorry, was that piling on?

There's no arguing that despite her personal problems, she does have musical talent. She won 5 Grammys this year, but what's more important is that I find her "Rehab" song quite catchy. However, we here at the Taunt Vortex must disagree in the strongest possible terms with the Wikipedia assertion that "Winehouse is best known for her soulful, powerful contralto vocals." That's like saying Ted Bundy was known for his interpersonal skills.

Okay, the editor is telling me that I need to get to the point muy pronto. As I was watching TV, I got to thinking, "What if Amy Winehouse had a total makeover?" Clean up her multi-drug addiction, get her some top-notch dental work, put her on an American fast-food diet to get some weight on her. Then there would be the painful (but possibly enjoyable for Amy) series of laser tattoo removal sessions. Finally, some Hollywood makeup, and a thorough shampooing(whatever kind of shampoo they test on orangutans) and professional hair styling. I'm almost certain you'd end up with :

Yeah, that's Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads on TV. Though not as popular as Amy Winehouse, Flo does seem to be developing a small cult following.

She's kinda cute, and would probably be fun to be with**, but in trying to describe her the one word that kept sticking in my mind was "kooky". There are mixed reviews about Flo out there - some find her annoying. But "kooky" is much better than "crazy rot-toothed anorexic crack head", unless you're trying to market the anti-Barbie. Plus, if you went out with Flo, you probably wouldn't feel the need to be de-loused afterwards. Cue the video :

Even after the makeover, you can still see the tell-tale Winehouse signs: big hair, freakishly long eye lashes.

Finally, I need to credit leighonline for her Amy Winehouse post that inspired this lesser work. You can find her blog and others at Humor-blogs.


** purely hypothetical, if I weren't blissfully married