Scottrade Chopper Shot Down Over Knoxville

Knoxville, TN - in a breaking news story, local law enforcement officials in Knoxville have confirmed that the Scottrade helicopter has been shot down near the downtown area.



According to witnesses, the helicopter was flying low, possibly readying to land near some unsuspecting investor, when it was struck by something that appeared to be shot from ground level. The damaged copter lost altitude, eventually crashing into the Tennessee river.


The Scottrade helicopter has gained attention in recent months through the "Customer First" ad campaign launched by the Scottrade online investment firm. The Scottrade branded helicopter is piloted by CEO Rodger Riney, who seeks out Scottrade customers to ask them first-hand why they like Scottrade. The helicopter was outfitted with cutting edge surveillance technology, which is able to identify stock market traders from several hundred feet in the air. It also featured state-of-the-art audio equipment, which could tape conversation level voices on the ground from hundreds of feet in the air, even over the noise of helicopter rotors.





Initially, CEO Riney would actually land the Scottrade helicopter on the ground to interview customers, but after several damaged homes, downed power lines and even one embarrassing decapitation, the decision was made to switch to the "interview from the air" approach.



Investigators have interviewed eyewitness Peter Lynch, who was coming out of the Downtown Bar & Grill when he saw the helicopter get hit. "As I was comin' across the parking lot I heard the chopper and I looked up. That's when I saw something fly up and hit the back of the fuselage. It had to be a RPG. Yeah, had to be, 'cause I've spent some time training with this militia outside of Cookeville, and I know what a RPG looks like."


Investigators were quick to speculate on possible reasons for the downing of the helicopter, citing a "rush to judgment" as the quickest way to get the paperwork off of their desks. "We've been 'Googling', " said head investigator Jim Rockford, "and because of all the stock market turmoil from the weak dollar, the subprime mortgage crisis, and recent losses at major investment banks, we figure it's probably just a ticked off stock trader who lost the rent money to Wall Street." After additional Googling, Rockford added that additional suspects that could have fired a rocket propelled grenade at the Scottrade helicopter include "nervous people who hate noise" and "Rambo".


Fearful that this attack could represent an industry-wide assault, executives from the TD Ameritrade online trading brokerage have announced that they have arranged to place spokesman Sam Waterston and the "trading baby" in protective custody.



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