Gas Conservation Tips

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that the woman in the photo looks a bit apprehensive because of the high cost of gasoline. In this case, she's actually apprehensive because she just remembered that her car takes Diesel (that would be the green pump).

As for the rest of us, we've all been pretty disturbed by the high prices at the pump, which are likely to spike higher in the immediate future due to 1). refineries being offline due to hurricane damage and 2). the apparent never-ending supply of greedy bastards.

We here at the Taunt Vortex have been appalled by the monthly fuel budget eroding into the monthly ice cold beverage and thick crust pizza budget. In an earlier post, we attempted to remedy the "supply" side of the gas economic equation by reminding readers of that middle school science experiment where you could use a tube (like a garden hose) to move a fluid from one container to a lower container. A cease and desist order from the Attorney General sort of put the kibosh on that.

So, we decided to consider the demand side of the equation, which takes a little more thought and effort, but seems to have fewer legal ramifications. So, let's not waste any more time.

Gasoline Conservation Tips

1). Coasting - if it's hilly where you live, take advantage of

those downhill portions of your drive. Just slip it into neutral, and

take your foot off of the accelerator. Supposedly this is not legal in some places, but unless there's a cop in the passenger seat (which is easy to confirm) we don't see much risk here.

2). Lighten Up - No, not you. Your car. Geez, you're so self conscious about your weight. But more weight equals more fuel to move that car, so take a good hard look. At your car. Body panels, mirrors, seats, 8-track players, turn signals, even doors are expendable. Just keep in mind that once a year you may have to temporarily replace some components to pass inspection.

3). Urban Hitchhiking - this is a little different from your "I'm a homeless unbathed serial-killing drifter" type hitchhiker. For urban hitchhiking, you want to clean up a little bit, perhaps wear a suit or at least a tie. For the ladies - well, let's be honest. You can get a ride even if you're dressed like the homeless unbathed serial killing drifter - if you just show a little leg. Along with appropriate garb, the key to urban hitchhiking is to carry an empty gas can. When you get a ride, you'll just have to make some excuse as to why you need a ride to the office, or grocery store, or gentlemen's club, instead of the gas station.

This guy almost got it right. He's well dressed, and carrying a gas can. We have no idea why he's walking in the middle of a field. So, make sure you actually walk along side a road that has cars driving on it.

4). Alternative Energy Sources - We're not talking about hybrid cars, solar powered vehicles or hydrogen fuel cells. Using these alternative fuel sources imposes a high initial cost. Not only that, but you're likely to get labeled "geek" or "pussy". Family members can be cruel sometimes. If you have access to one or more large animals, and if local zoning ordinances allow, look into animal assisted auto propulsion.

Yeah, something kinda like that. Don't worry about feeding your horse, oxen, Great Dane or what have you. Even in urban areas, there are parks and grassy medians where they can graze for free.

5). Drafting - if you're a NASCAR fan (and who isn't ?) then you're familiar with the concept of drafting. In car racing*, it's where one car races right behind another - sometimes measured in negative inches - to decrease wind resistance. This can decrease energy expenditure, and significantly reduces fuel use.

In auto racing this is considered a good thing. On the roads, this is called "tailgating" and has negative connotations. As drivers, we need to get over this hang-up with tailgaters, and recognize it as a viable gas conservation measure.

Well, that's the best we could do, considering the circumstances**. But we're confident that if you incorporate two or more of these tips into your daily transportation routine, you're very likely to get very odd looks or obscene hand gestures. Happy motoring.

* and in cycling too, if you happen to be sipping Chardonnay, wearing bright yellow Spandex shorts, and think Charles Oakley invented sunglasses.

** five Bud lights

If you're going to use one of these helpful tips, take a little energy to vote for me at Humor-blogs .