Dora the Explorer is Dead!

In a weekend press conference, a spokesperson for the Nickelodeon cable network issued the tragic news that Dora the Explorer has died.

"Dora the Explorer, beloved by children the world over, has met a horrific death in the middle of the Sahara desert." Dora, always kind and helpful to a fault, had agreed to fill in for Bear Grylls in one of the Discovery Channel's "Man vs Wild" episodes, when Grylls required an emergency vasectomy.

"I blame myself," Grylls lamented. "I should have realized that the Sahara desert is no place for an 8 year old girl, even one with Dora's experience." An earlier Man vs Wild episode featured Grylls being dropped by helicopter into the Sahara desert, then living by his wits and survival skills. It was so popular with viewers, that a repeat episode was planned.

Because of his urological emergency, Grylls was unable to do the repeat episode. Producers asked Dora to fill in because of her reputation as a world-class explorer and lack of a vas deferens. "We'd thought she'd be ok," said one staff member who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean really, with Boots the Monkey to help her, and her magic Backpack, we really didn't see any danger at all."

Dora and Boots the Monkey were taken deep into the Sahara by helicopter, where they were dropped about 200 miles from the closest village. In most circumstances, Dora can produce whatever she needs from her magic Backpack. Details are sketchy, but experts speculate that in the merciless heat of the Sahara, Dora became disoriented enough to make her vulnerable. In this state, Swiper the Fox was able to steal Dora's Backpack before she could utter "Swiper, no swiping!" three times.

Unable to produce food or water, Dora quickly succumbed. "In her own television show, Dora would often stop, and ask her viewers for help whenever she was in a pickle," stated the anonymous staffer. "But we didn't take into account that her viewers are mostly other children, whose outdoor survival skills suck."

Apparently Ms. Explorer was able to obtain a knife before the backpack was stolen. "She died of heat exhaustion and dehydration," said Bear Grylls. "But Boots the Monkey was found gutted and cleaned, so we know she didn't starve to death. She really showed pretty spunky survival skills for an 8 year old. I admit I'm impressed."

Meanwhile, Moroccan officials are on the lookout for Swiper the Fox. "In the hands of a kind and pleasant 8 year old girl, a magic Backpack is a benign thing," elaborated an Moroccan police official. "But in the hands of someone sneaky and mean-spirited like Swiper, we worry about the potential for much much badness." Officials wouldn't say more, but it's conceivable that Swiper could use the Backpack to obtain firearms, RPGs, or even a nuclear device.

Reporters asked the Nickelodeon spokesperson why the camera crew hadn't come to Dora's aid. Apparently Dora and Boots were filming this episode themselves with a small digital camera. "The usual staff and camera crew was busy documenting Bear's vasectomy." A Discovery Channel spokesperson said that the "vasectomy" episode of Man vs Wild will air this coming November. Rumor has it that Bear wielded the scalpel himself.

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TAUNT VORTEX EDITOR'S NOTE : This story is not to be read as a metaphor or a parable about a famous politician who up until a couple of weeks ago wasn't so famous and whose name rhymes with failin'. Got it? Good.