McConaughey on Fatherhood

I have nothing against Matt McConaughey. He's a celebrity. As you can see from his photo*, he's a good-looking guy. He's an actor. I won't pass judgment on his acting chops, but I'll just say that I really like him in...uh, well...ummm, well, let's just say we won't pass judgment on his acting chops.

So why post about Matt here at the Taunt Vortex. It seems that Matt gave an interview for Dr. Sanjay Gupta's "House Calls" where he discusses fatherhood. For the record, Dr. Gupta is a real doctor, but just try to get an appointment with him when your glands are swollen. Tough cookies. He's in makeup. And just why is he interviewing McConaughey about fatherhood? Did he run out of scary diseases to talk about??

I'm sure Matt is still basking in the afterglow of newly acquired fatherhood, and he wants to tell his story from the perspective of a celebrity. But...the kid was born a little over a month ago. Let's compare. I have three children, ages 18, almost 20 and 21 - years! I won't make you do the math in your head (like you could), but Matt has about 1 month of fatherhood experience. I have 714 months of fatherhood experience. But he gets the interview. Hey, I took a tour of NASA when I was 8 years old. Can I give you that astronaut interview now?

Ok, I get it. He's a celebrity, so it will really boost Dr. Gupta's ratings. According to the CNN article about the interview, McConaughey's personal motto is "just keep living". That makes my personal motto of "breathe in, breathe out" look pretty sucky. But as you'll see, I still rule when it comes to fatherhood experience.

According to CNN, Matt and his girlfriend took Levi (that's the baby) to a John Mellencamp show, to get him used to sights, sounds and people. It's just a hunch, but to me it sounds like they had a last-minute babysitter cancellation. Anyway, I can top that. My wife and I saw Paul McCartney live when my wife was 7 months pregnant with my daughter. She even stood on her chair during "Hey Jude". I'm so proud. To this day my daughter gets headaches when she hears "Eleanor Rigby".

Apparently, Matt is jumping into this fatherhood gig with both feet, so to speak. He was present at Levi's birth. I've done that, x 3. Matt kept the placenta, and plans to plant it in an orchard, "inspired" by an Aboriginal custom. I was inspired by the North American custom of letting the hospital keep the placenta and incinerating it at their convenience. Again, three times. Lastly, Matt claims that changing diapers is "not a bid deal". Again, he's only done this for a month. Right now, the baby poo has the volume of a couple of thimbles. Trust me on this Matt, as the kid grows, so does the poo volume.

In fact, there will come a time when it will most likely be so voluminous and runny that it will actually spill out of the diaper, pooling in the bottom of the baby car-seat, while you and your wife (girlfriend) are in the front seat, gagging and with eyes filling with tears, because you're on the Interstate in the middle of nowhere South Carolina with no place to pull over, and when you finally find a place to pull over, it's an abandoned gas station with a dumpster that sends forth a swarm of flies when you open that back car door to change that diaper and mop the poo out of the baby seat, and when you've finished you grab that dirty dripping diaper and make your way to the dumpster, fighting off the flies much like a scene from "The Ten Commandments", and you finally make your way back to the car, slamming the doors shut, but the foul odor and more than a few flies tag along for the trip until you eventually get to Virginia.

Wow. Sorry about the parenting flashback there.

Not to beat a dead celebrity, but I have still more interesting experiences on my fatherhood resume. Like finding a charge to Planned Parenthood on your debit card account, knowing full well that your wife had her tubes tied years ago. Or passing a Deputy on the highway who happens to have your two sons pulled over, at the same time, in their two separate cars. Or finding out your daughter drove into a fire hydrant, going backwards. Fortunately, in that last example, there was no resulting fire hydrant geyser that you usually see in the movies or a Friz Freleng cartoon.

The good fatherhood experiences have far outweighed the unpleasant/frustrating/exasperating ones, and I've been fortunate to have ended up with three wonderful (now adult, more or less) children. But the unpleasant/frustrating/exasperating experiences are usually the most humorous in retrospect. I'm really looking forward to Mr. McConaughey's interview on fatherhood in about 18 to 20 years.

*this happens to be a rare unretouched photo of Matt McConaughey, one of only a few in existence where he is not seen shirtless

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